UNIVERSITY STUDY (very interesting and short)

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by Sydney University 's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a cricket bat up his arse while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected on this subject.

Mr Jones' wife had been missing for 6 days. With a full police search in place on that evening police knocked at his door.

"Mr Jones, we have some good and bad news about your wife, which would you like to hear first?"

Thinking he may as well get the bad out of the way first so he has something to look forward to he says "well I'll take the bad news".

The police reply "Well we pulled your wife up from the ocean floor this morning, when we pulled her up she had 3 lobsters and 4 crabs on her body".

A little confused on the detail and understandably very upset he asks "So what's the good news".

The Police say "Well, we're pulling her up again tomorrow"

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.
On his first day, he dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
"Get me a F*CKING cup of coffee, quickly!" The voice from the other side
responded: "You fool, you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you
know who you're talking to?"
"No," replied the trainee. "It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!"
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are F*CKING talking
to, you idiot?" "No!" replied the Managing Director indignantly.
"Thank F*CK for that!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.

Bloke leans over to woman next to him in a bar and says

I am going to fill your fanny with VB and drink the lot.

She turns to husband and says

Aren't you going to punch his lights out for saying that?

He says

I am not picking a fight with anybody who can drink that much VB.

If the global crisis continues at the present rate,
by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational
..... the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!
And before you know it, these two will merge,
and the whole place will be full of bloody wankers.

Condom factory burns down in New Zealand :

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is awoken at 4am by the telephone.



Hillen, its the hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergincy!! I've jist received word thet the Durex factory en Aucklind hes burned to the ground. It is istimated that the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week.



PM: Shut !! The economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. W' ill be ruined.



Hilth Munister: We're going to hef to shup some in from Brutain?



PM: No chence. The Poms will have a field day on thus one.



Hilth Munister: What about Australia ?



PM: I'll call Joolia Gillard. Tell her we need one million condoms, ten enches long and eight enches thuck.

That way they'll continue to respect the "all blacks".



Three days later a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes that arrived at the Pist Office.

She finds one million condoms. 10 enches long, 8 enches thuck, all coloured green and gold with small writing on each one.

MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM



Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie Oi Oi Oi.

Grandma's Oranges

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.

Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck em' dry."

The policeman fainted.

A high school teacher starts a new job at a school in Bankstown and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Bulldogs fan. She asks her students to
raise their hands if they, are Bulldogs fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Bulldogs fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Bulldogs fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I'm a Roosters fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Roosters fan?""Because my mum and dad are from Bondi, and my mum is a Roosters fan and my dad is a Roosters fan, so I'm a Roosters fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Roosters fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a
prostitute, your dad was a drug addict, and your brother was car thief, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary said, "I'd be a Bulldogs fan."

YOU KNOW YOU'RE AUSTRALIAN IF YOU...

• believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.
• waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse
• have made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden
. • think it's normal to have a leader called Julia.
• believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case when he first attends school
• are liable to burst out laughing whenever you hear of Americans "rooting" for something
• understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds
• pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bn'.
• believe the 'l' in the word ' Australia ' is optional.
• know that some people pronounce Australia like "Straya" and that's ok.
• can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.'
• believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep
• call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'.
• think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
• are secretly proud of our killer wildlife.
• believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin
. • understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.
• believe that cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread. You've also squeezed it through Vita Weat biscuits to make little Vegemite worms
• believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis
• hamburger with Beetroot? Of course!
• know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'
• believe that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year
• wear ugg boots outside the house
• believe that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance
• believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.
• whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language
• understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is always polite
• know what it's like to swallow a fly
• know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle and a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron.
• biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket
• shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'.
• still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'
• understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.
• understand, when working in a bar, that male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer
• know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in -o: arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto etc
• know that there is a universal place called "woop woop" located in the middle of nowhere .... no matter where you actually are
• know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it tastes like ###t. But we let the world think we do. Because we can
• have some time in your life slept with Aeroguard on in the summer. Maybe even as perfume.
• have only ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, rad, and sweet - to mean good. And then you place 'bloody' in front of it when you REALLY mean it.
• know that the barbeque is a political arena; the person holding the tongs is always the boss and usually a man. And the women make the salad.
• say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not.
• have drunk your tea/coffee/milo through a Tim Tam.
• own a Bond's chesty. In several different colours my have not!
• have ordered a steak the size of your head and only paid $5 at your local RSL.
• know that 'roo meat tastes pretty good, but not as good as barra. Or a meat pie.
• and .. will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Pissed off at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,

'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

'Fuuuuuuck, dude... How much water did you drink!?

An old farmer wrote to his son in prison. "This year I won't be able to plant potatoes because I can't dig the field, I know if you were here you would help me."The son wrote back, "Dad, don't even think of digging the field because that's where I buried the guns."Police read the letter and the very next day the whole field was dug by police looking for guns but nothing was found.The next day the son wrote again, "Now plant your potatoes Dad, it's the best I could do from here".

The recession in the USA

The recession in the USA has hit everybody really hard…

My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again
for 2 days then skip a day ...... And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded ...
'I'll tell you though, be jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 'tird day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the f**kin' skippin'

Exercise for those of us over 50;

For all my “senior” friends – here's a helpful exercise. For those friends not yet seniors, Get ready and start building muscles now.

Great plan!
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

Next election vote for NOBODY!

NOBODY will keep election promises!
NOBODY will listen to your concerns!
NOBODY will help the needy!
NOBODY cares!
If NOBODY is elected things will be better for everyone!

NOBODY TELLS THE TRUTH!

1.A day without sunshine is like night.

2.. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

A sheriff walks into a saloon and shouts for everyone's attention.

"Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?" he asks.

"What's he look like?" asks one shoddy-looking cowboy.

"Well", replies the Sheriff, "he wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."

"So what's he wanted for?" asks the same cowboy.

"Rustlin'."

All men are seduced into believing they're marrying nymphomaniacs.
The great problem is, after a few years, the nympho leaves....
But the ****ing maniac stays on.

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'..

A groom is partying at his bucks night
What are you so happy about asks his best man , I mean youre getting married ! Goodbye to the single life and all the fun

Whoa says the groom , last night I got the best polish i,ve ever experienced tomorrow i,m marrying that girl you,d be happy too lets have another drink


A Bride is partying at her hens night having a great time , when her brides maid asks . What are you so happy about , I mean your getting married tomorrow
Goodbye to all the fun of the single life

You wonder why i,m so happy says the bride
Last night I gave the last polish I,m ever going to have to give oh yeah lets partry

A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy a half head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some idiot wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."

"No kidding?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

World's Greatest Joke Treasurer Quiz


Q. How did Wayne Swan save Australia from the Global Financial Crisis?
A. He used all the money put aside by Peter Costello.

Q. How many surplus budgets has Wayne Swan brought in?
A. None.

Q. How many surplus budgets did Peter Costello bring in?
A. 10 out of 11.

Q. Which Australian Federal Treasurer managed to turn a $80b surplus into a $153b budget debt in just 3 years?
A. Wayne Swan.

Q. Which Australian Federal Treasurer has to steal money from the 'Futures Fund' to give the false impression that his economic management has brought the budget back into surplus by 2012-13?
A. Wayne Swan.

Q. What did Wayne Swan do to receive the World's Greatest Treasurer title?
A. He spent all the money Peter Costello put in the bank.

Q. Where would Wayne Swan be if he didn't have a mining boom and China to prop him up?
A. Up the creek without a paddle.

Q. How is Wayne Swan planning on getting the budget back into surplus by 2012-113 apart from robbing the 'Futures Fund'.
A. He is going to spend the mining boom funds on the NBN and uninvited immigrant welfare and then tax you via the Carbon Tax, The Congestion Tax and any other tax he can come up with.

A tough-looking group of bikers were riding
when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge,
so they stopped.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says,
"What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

He wants to distract her, so he says the first thing that pops into his head.
"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?
At least you go out with a nice memory, eh?"
She thinks for a moment and then she gives him a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous.
Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
___________________________________________


A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'
___________________________________________


The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, sounds like she's there.'

WOMAN'S DIARY:

Thursday, 6th October 2011

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I'd been
shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him -
thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere
quieter to talk.

He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went
somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and
didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.

I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in.

He hesitated but followed.

I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned
the television on.

After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to
bed.

I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply.

He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my
surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

Cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's
found someone else.



MAN'S DIARY:

Thursday, 6th October 2011


Not enough wind to get out today. Absolutely gutted. Got a shag though.

An Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon so we need a nice room with a good, strong bed."

The clerk winked, 'You want the Bridal?'

The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied, "Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

Two men greet each other at the urinal.One white bloke and one dark skinned.The white bloke just happens to glance down at the the other bloke's dick,Sees WY tattooed on his dick and is all excited because he also has WY on his dick which
extended too Wendy when he cracked a hard-on.So he has to ask whether the WY is also for Wendy.The Jamaican fellow turns around and says no to his question,my WY stands for ''Welcome to the bahamas and have a nice day.''

Select to expand quote

Jeffrosail said...
...

Not enough wind to get out today. Absolutely gutted. Got a shag though.

So have you ever scored a great day in the water and got a shag when you got home .... then all the salt water decided to run out of your nose at an inconvenient moment?

geez kiwi kids are rude. they wanted to have a water fight but when i told them to wait until i boiled the kettle they were gone