Julia Gillard was seated next to a little girl on an aeroplane leaving
from Sydney. She turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that
flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and
Said to Gillard, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said Julia. 'How about global warming or health
care', and she smiles smugly.

OK, ' the girl said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a kangaroo all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a kangaroo excretes little pellets, while a cow
turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do
you suppose that is?'

The PM, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

The little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss
global warming or health care when you don't know $h!t?'

which one of the bananas in pajamas came first ? b4

Careful what you purchase on EBAY.....

Spent £50.00 on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.

Instructions said don't use in the sunlight.

My daughter just walked into the living room and said, "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window,take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the charity shop. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. Oh yeah, don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my siblings.


Well, she didn't actually put it like that...



What she actually said.... "Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed."

Today I was asked to go in a fun run to raise money

I said "no way, I can't run well, and I am busy"

Then they told me it is for retarded blind kids...... and I thought bugger me, I could win this thing!!

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siny said...

which one of the bananas in pajamas came first ? b4

I not so sure about that, I think i saw one of the Zuccini's in Bikinis kicking back and smoking a cigarette...

THE MEXICAN MAID




The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about
this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase. The
first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Jor husband say so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Jor husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh..'

Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better than you in bed.'

Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Senora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

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siny said...

which one of the bananas in pajamas came first ? b4

Probably the one that was breathing heavy first![}:)]

(Rude bits warning)

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Dublin one unemployed afternoon.

Walking down Dawson Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.



'****ing get in there you ****!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.



'Get the ****ing manager of this pigs **** middle class wank hole please you ****', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says



'Yes you can you fat piece of ****, I saw your poxy advert in the ****ing window and I'm here to audition.....wanker.'



The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'



'That song, you big nosed twat, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the ****s blind...'



'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".'



'Wanker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title.



'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the **** box you get crap on your bell end.'



'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?'



'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs".



'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'



'**** it' says the pianist 'Why not'.



On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out.



Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.



She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?'



'Know it' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,



'I ****ing wrote it !!!'

Two poms went to a bar after the cricket and sat down next to an Irishman.
After a couple of beers they were talking about how good it was back home and one of the poms said how at his local back home after you bought 6 beers you would get your next 1 free.
The second pom said his local was better than that as after 4 beers you got one for free.
"Dat's nuthin" says the Irishman, "back home der's a pub where as soon as ya walk in da door dey give ya a free beer, den 'nother, 'n' a nother if ya want. Not only dat but a free feed, a bed for da night 'n' even see that ya get laid.
Den in da mornin', free cooked breeky, what a great pub it is."
The 2 poms looked at each other in amazement, then thinking that the Irishman was having them on, 1 asked, "has this happened to you personally?"
"Well no, not personally" says the Irishman, " but I know it's true 'cause me sister's bin dere twice"

A grandad took his grandson out for a walk, and they called at a bookmakers. While they were in there, the grandson asked if he could put a bet on.

The grandad said to the boy. “Can you touch your arse with your dick”. The boy replied “no”. “Your not old enough to put a bet on then” said grandad.

While his grandad is studying the form, the boy goes in the shop next door and buys a scratch card. When he scratch's the card off he finds he has won £50,000. He goes and tells his grandad, who suggested they share the winnings, fifty-fifty.

The boy asked his grandad if he could touch his arse with his dick. “Of course I can” said grandad. “I'm a grown man”. “Well go and **** yourself” said the boy.

Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C," he said.
"What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."

What does DNA stand for?


National Dyslexics Association.

Hello to all my politically incorrect friends!

A twin-engine plane has one of its engines fail, altitude and air speed are rapidly decreasing...
The pilot speaks over the intercom. "I'm sorry it had to come to this folks, but unfortunately
we're gonna have to jettison baggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne."
Baggage is thrown out, but the plane's speed continues to decrease.
Again the pilot gets on the intercom; "I hate to have to do this, but now we're gonna have to
start off-loading passengers. The only fair way to do it is alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter – A”.
"Africans, any Africans on board?" No one answers "Ok then – B”. "Black people, any black people?"
Again, silence.
"C - Coloured people, any Coloured people on board?"
Silence.
A little black boy in the back turns to his mother. "But Mom, ain't we African?, ain't we Black?
Ain't we Coloured?"
"Yes son, but for the purpose of this exercise we is Niggas...Let dem Muslims go first."

INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And....


6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.


THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:


The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

There must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!

CONFUCIUS SAY.

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up womans' leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs Behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . .

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood"

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desertyank said...

CONFUCIUS SAY.

Man who goes to sleep with itchy bottom wake up with smelly finger

A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.
'Son, where were you today?'
Son says 'at school dad.'
Robot slaps the son!
'Ok, i watched a dvd at my mates!'
'What dvd?'
'Toy story.'
Robot slaps the son again!
'Ok, it was a porno' cries the son.
'What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was' says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad!
Mum laughs 'HaHaHa! He's certainly your son.'
Robot slaps the mum!

What's the difference between a magician's wand and a policemans baton?


A magician's wand is used for cunning stunts.

Select to expand quote

Jeffrosail said...

What's the difference between a magician's wand and a policemans baton?


A magician's wand is used for cunning stunts.

20yrs ago that was:

"what's the difference between an acrobatic display and the Miss Universe pageant... one is full of cunning stunts.... "

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow.

I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

Hello to all my politically incorrect friends!
And if you are not just do not read!

What do you call 50 coloured people singing in a field?
The good old days.

I have been chatting to a 13 year old gurl on the net, she's sexy and flirty! She just told me she is an undercover cop...... How cool is that at her age! Can't wait to meet her!

How does every racist joke start?
With a look over the shoulder!

Why aspirin are white?
Because they work.

I know it is bad but I warned ya!

My Dog

Went down this morning to Centrelink to sign my Dog on.

The woman said "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefit". I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed, idle, can't speak English and has no clue who his dad is.

She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.





He gets his first cheque on Friday.

Damn this is a great country.

I went to a Muslim birthday party last night. Damn if that wasn't the fastest game of Hot Potato I've ever seen!


A Russian, a Cuban, an Englishman and a Pakistani are on a train.

The Russian takes out a bottle of his best vodka, drinks a bit and throws the rest off the train and says, "There's plenty more of that where I come from."

Everyone is impressed. The Cuban takes out one of the finest Havana cigars, takes one puff and throws it off the train and says, "There's plenty more of those where I come from."

Again everyone is rather impressed. So the Englishman stands up and throws the Pakistani off the train.

The Importance of Walking & Exercise:

Walking and Exercise can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional five months in a nursing
home at $7,000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to do my walking early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year,
spent about $400.
Haven't lost a kilo.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, doesn't he look good.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I got a lot of exercise over
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.

Every time I start thinking about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave, I look just fine..

What's black and eats fish and chips?
Half of England

What has 8 legs and a black twat?
The A team.

What is the mating call of the black birds?
Stick it in me Leroy.

What is the difference between a park bench and a nigger (white, black or even yellow )?
A park bench can support a family.



Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only on leg, on a bicycle with buckled wheels & no brakes or saddle. Send us a small donation of $ 2.00 and we'll send you the DVD it is f*****g hilarious.

Q. What has 12 legs, 7 eyes and is white all over?


A. 3 white mice and half a sheep's head!

Does that work with black sheep[}:)]

Is this true or not?????


The Arabs aren't happy!
They're not happy in Gaza.
They're not happy in Egypt.
They're not happy in Libya.
They're not happy in Morocco.
They're not happy in Iran.
They're not happy in Iraq.
They're not happy in Yemen.
They're not happy in Afghanistan.
They're not happy in Pakistan.
They're not happy in Syria.
They're not happy in Lebanon.
They're not happy in West Bank


And where are they happy?
They're happy in England.
They're happy in France.
They're happy in Italy.
They're happy in Germany.
They're happy in Sweden.
They're happy in the USA.
They're happy in Norway.
They're happy in ISRAEL.
They're happy in every country that is not Muslim.


And who do they blame?
Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves.
THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN. WTF?!?

Would be funny if it were not true.