A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You B*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you B*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't Use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.

When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want You to Use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed Playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us Today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b*tch in the kitchen.'

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you. I've worn a size

34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Girlie Wisdom!

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knicker's.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' ......Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!

The local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger
> congregation
>
> that will pay him more.
>
> There is a hush within the congregation... No one wants him to leave.
>
>
>
> Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and
> proclaims:
>
> "If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year
> and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
>
> The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
>
>
>
> Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says,
>
> "If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary
> and
>
> establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of
> his children!"
>
> More sighs and loud applause.
>
>
>
> Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
>
> "If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex."
>
> There is total silence.
>
>
>
> The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
>
> "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"
>
>
>
> Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
> forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side,
> while his wife replies:
>
>
>
> "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'F**k
> the Vicar'.

A TEXAS cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off...or I'll kick the @#$% out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Just a couple minutes ago...'

 The local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger

> congregation

> 

> that will pay him more.

> 

>      There is a hush within the congregation... No one wants him to leave.

> 

> 

> 

>      Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and

> proclaims:

> 

>      "If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year

> and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

> 

>      The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

> 

> 

> 

>      Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says,

> 

>      "If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary

> and

> 

> establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of

> his children!"

> 

>      More sighs and loud applause.

> 

> 

> 

>      Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,

> 

>      "If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex."

> 

>      There is total silence.

> 

> 

> 

>      The Preacher, blushing, asks her:

> 

>      "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

> 

> 

> 

>      Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his

> forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side,

> while his wife replies:

> 

> 

> 

>      "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'F**k

> the Vicar'....

2 Many Gobble Gobbles the night B-4 .....

I will Endeavour to get my act 2 Gethar

Sorry ,.....My 2nd Red Thumb in a short Career

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could
have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a
bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
'Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts,' she
said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman
filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see
that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he
came home. He didn't believe her so she said: 'Next week I'll leave a gap in
the curtains so that you can see for yourself.'
The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:
'Do you shave?'
'No,' said the girl. 'I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you
have hairs?'
 'Oh yes,' said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy minge.
When the husband got back in she asked: 'Did you see it?'
'Yes,' he said. 'But why the f**k did you have to show her yours?'
'Why,' she said. 'You've seen it all before.'
'I know,' he said, 'but the f**king darts team hasn't!...

Why men don't talk to each other in public toilets


I needed to pay a visit, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other, one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: 'Hello mate, how are you doing?'

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied 'Not too bad thanks.'

After a short pause, I heard the voice again 'So, what are you up to?'

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, 'Just having a quick poo ... How about yourself?'

The next thing I heard him say was ...... 'Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some d*ckhead in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say.'

Husband and wife are shopping in Safeway when the man picks up a dozen VB stubbies and sticks it into the trolley

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife

'They're on special, only $10 for 12 cans', he says

'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says

The man replies... 'SO DOES 12 CANS OF VB AND IT'S HALF THE F*%KING PRICE'
**************************************************************


All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

'I should be in charge,' said the brain, 'because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.'

'I should be in charge,' said the blood, 'because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.'

'I should be in charge,' said the stomach, 'because I process food and give all of you energy.'

'I should be in charge,' said the legs, 'because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.'

'I should be in charge,' said the eyes, 'because I allow the body to see where it goes.'

'I should be in charge,' said the rectum, 'because I'm responsible for waste removal.'

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic.

They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work, the asshole is usually in charge.

Subject: When I say I'm broke.............!I'm broke (Absolute pearler)



Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a
well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes
of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and
proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least
seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse
manure onto my hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'
I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a F*kng good
appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of
'broke' do you not understand?

A guy had a fancy dress party for his birthday. The theme was Moods, and the bouncers had strict instructions not to let anyone in who was not in fancy dress.

First up came a couple of people dressed in red. "We're really angry!" they said, and were let in.

Then came a couple of people in green. "We're green with envy!" they said, and were let in.

Then came a couple of West Indian blokes. The first had a piece of fruit on his penis and the second had his manhood buried in a tin of Ambrosia.
"Hang on, lads," said the bouncer. "What have you come as?"
"I'm deep in dis pear!" announced the first.
The second said, "I'm ****ing dis custard!"

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE

A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.



AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.



THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER

MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN

EACH BED.



THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK; I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM.

THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'



THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE

CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.



AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'



'DEAD?', SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?



'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'



HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'



'A WITCH?’ WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'



'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER

A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED, FLEW OUT THE WINDOW AND TOOK MY TEETH WITH

HER!'

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, over the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,

"Well,how was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:








"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf"!