sent to me today, piss funny!

If you don't laugh out loud at this, you're just not trying!!

THE HORTH WHITHPERER

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a
Friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a
Male or female horse.

"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once
Over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point,

But he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his
Arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's Fanny,

Pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrase that.

Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several
years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted
mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it
was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of
the fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it
over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to
bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in
his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"




The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the dam naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."

Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.
[}:)]

MD74 LMFAO and still LMAO
Wineman same same


Thank goodness for this, as I am having a s.... day

Mineral

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as
He reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders
of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over
To her to see what work of God had captured her attention he noticed she was looking at two spiders
Mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question,
He replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then....
Took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback-Mountain s^it in our Garden."

- I don't know. I never smoked AstroTurf.
Baseball player Tug McGraw in 1974, when asked if he preferred grass or artificial turf

- If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Steven Wright

-I'm not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells.
Unknown

- All drugs of any interest to any moderately intelligent person in America are now illegal.
Thomas Szasz

- I used to have a drug problem, but now I make enough money.
David Lee Roth

- Marijuana leads to homosexuality ... and therefore to AIDS.
White House Drug Czar Carlton Turner, 1986

- I ask congress to give thoughtful consideration to legislation entitled appropriately, the Banana and other odd fruit disclosure and reporting act of 1967. The target is those banana-smoking beeatniks who seek make-belive-land ... as it is described in the peel puffers' secret psychedelic marching song 'Puff the magic dragon.

Congressman Thompson of New Jersey, Congressional Record 19.4.1967

- It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends on his not understanding it.
Upton Sinclair, "The Jungle"

- I don't like people who take drugs... Customs men for example.
Mick Miller.

- Reality is just a refuge for people who can't handle drugs.
Robin Williams

- "This drug is especially efficient in producing nightmares with hallucinations wich may be alarming in their intencity. Another peculiar quality of it is to produce a strange and extremly degree of physical depression. An hour or two after it has been taken a degree of sinking may cease upon the sufferer so that to speak is an effort. By miserys such as these the best years of life may be spoiled."
The Regis professor of physics at Cambridge, in the early 20th century, writes about tea.

- I'm in favor of it as long as it's multiple choice.
Kurt Rambis, on drug testing

- LSD is known to induce psychosis, in people who have never used it.
Timothy Leary

- The Caterpillar cannot understand the butterfly
Timothy Leary

- I've never had a problem with drugs. I've had problems with the police.
Keith Richards

- Did you know America ranks the lowest in education but the highest in drug use? It's nice to be number one, but we can fix that. All we need to do is start the war on education.
Leighann Lord

- People talk about soft drugs and claim that they are less dangerous as gateway drugs. I believe this to be completely wrong. Parents should listen more carefully to the lyrics of rave-music who glorifies narcotics."
Silvia, the queen of Sweden (Malaysia, 1999). Rave-music lyrics? Less dangerous as gateway drugs? Ehh ...

- If the Fed had a war on abortion like its war on poverty or war on drugs, within five years men would be having abortions!
Harry Browne

- Don't do drugs because if you do drugs you'll go to prison, and drugs are really expensive in prison.
John Hardwick

- The jury has the right to judge both the law as well as the fact in controversy.
John Jay

- Moderation in all things -- including moderation.
Benjamin Franklin

- "Drugs are not the answer *pauses* unless the question is: 'What is not the answer?" In which case the answer would be drugs. That however would be the only time when drugs would be the answer, that I can think of... Next question please..."
A local politician at a youth summit

- "Faster, faster, until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death!"
Hunter S Thompson


- "I grew up, went into rehab
you know the doctors never did me no good
they said son you're gonna be a new man
Ii said thank you very much
can I borrow fifty bucks."
Layne Staley Alice in chains

- I used to get high on life until I realized that life was cut with morons
Unknown

- "Woe to you my Princess, when I come, I will kiss you quite red and feed you till you are plump. And if you are forward, you shall see who is the stronger, a gentle little girl who doesn't eat enough or a big wild man who has cocaine in his body."
Sigmund Freud addressing his wife, from 'On Coca'

- My dials are pupilated
Unknown

- The chemistry lesson from last century is that no drug has ever caused as much problems as the attempts to rescue us from them.
Arnold Trebach, professor emeritus, American University.

- The Grass is always greener ... when it is rolled up in a paper.
N.R. Johansson

- That's why I always recommend a psychedelic experience because it makes you realize that all you've learned is in fact just learned and not necessarily the truth.
Bill Hicks

- Animal rights people are historically overt abusers of substances, but you know; if you took as much LSD as Paul McCartney you wouldn't eat anything with a face either.
Unknown

- In 1960, Allen Ginsberg takes Psilocybin at Timothy Leary's house, calls Jack Kerouac and identifies himself as God. Kerouac hangs up.
From a book written by Adam Higgibotham

- "The band The Orb have a little game they play, designed to limit the
consumption of drugs to those still coherent enough to get a spark
across a synapse. Having had his fill of a joint, Thrash turns to Alex: "What's the capital of Peru?" "Lima," replies Alex with some satisfaction. Thrash surrenders the spliff. "The Orb," explains Alex hazily, "has become a very geographically conscious band. Mountain ranges in Africa, rivers in Russia, cities in south America - we know 'em all. Have to. No geography, no drugs."
From a book written by Adam Higgibotham

- Avoid all needle drugs, the only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon.
Abbie Hoffman

- We can never solve our significant problems from the same level of thinking we were at when we created the problems.
Albert Einstein

- I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?
Denis Leary

- Corruptisima republica plurimae leges. [The more corrupt a republic, the more laws.]
Tacitus, Annals III 27

- The Dancefloor is for those who can't afford to drink in the bar
Unknown

- Laws are like sausages, you respect them more if you haven't actually seen how they are made.
Bismarck

- The Cruelest Trick Came From The Talibans, Who Allowed Plenty Of Drugs And Then Banned Music.
Unknown

To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment building to work on his tan. Not wanting any tan lines, he
sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, he fell asleep and sunburned his John Thomas. Being very determined, he decided not to miss his date with a
hot blonde, so, he put some ointment on the beast and wrapped it in gauze.
The young man's date, a beautiful blonde, showed up at his apartment for the promised home cooked meal, and was treated to a feast. After they
finished with the dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt. After several minutes of
extreme discomfort he asked to be excused. A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain.
So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk. He experienced immediate relief. The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his John Thomas immersed in in the glass of milk.
With a look of understanding the Blonde exclaimed, "SO, THAT'S HOW YOU RELOAD THOSE THINGS"!

One dark and stormy night a guy is sitting on his verandah watching the storm and the driving rain. He lived on quite a busy street but because of the storm there was hardly any traffic.
Quite faintly he heard a mans voice saying, "can someone give me a push?"
It was so dark he couldnt quite see down to the street.
Again he heard the guy "can someone give me a push?"
His wife wandered out onto the verandah and asked what was happening.
The guy replied "some nut is out there in this storm asking for a push"
His wife replied, "dont be so miserable, remember that time when we had a flat tire and that stranger gave you a hand to change it. Help the poor bloke out"
The guy felt pretty lame after hearing this so he yelled out into the darkness "All right, Ill give you a push, where are you?"
Out of the darkness the man replied,
"Over here on the swing"

quote:

---

Originally posted by Keahi

---

A man is walking down the street when he spots a beautiful blonde who waves and says hello. He's shocked she's talking to him so he asks "do you know me?" She says "I think your the father of one of my kids". Now his mind travels back to the one and only time he has ever been unfaithful. "My God," he says "are you the stripper from my bucks night that I nailed on the pool table while spanking your friend with celery?" She looks at him horrified: "No, im your daughter's english teacher!"

---

OOoohhhh CLASSIC Can't wait till I hear that from an unsuspecting parent.... LOL

DO YOU FART IN BED?


IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU.

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN' T.STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.

THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD LIVER

AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS

UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.

SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND AND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOTSTEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES!
AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD..


ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.

HE SAID, "HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT." "ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU".

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" ASKED HIS WIFE.

"WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED."

BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN."

quote:

---

Originally posted by grumplestiltskin

Not a joke, but very funny

buchan.org/2003/07/17/a_slice_of_past_life/


Cripes, I am going to get killed if the Mrs reads that

---

Damn straight, that woman knows her place

TO MAKE A BABY.....

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,
Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man
should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning,
Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know
babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor
is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good
look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to
pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and
we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted

hahaahahahahahahahahaha all these are great (THATS GOLD)

Much lulz coming from this thread.

HAAAAR HAARRRR ah God Mineral... cant stop... Oh dear... Get that from the biggest loser did you?

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!



Excerpts from a Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.
Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

quote:

---

Originally posted by mineral1

Meaty Bites Diet

I have three dogs and I was buying a large bag of Meaty Bites at
Big W and standing in line at the check out.
The woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites
Diet again,although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 20 kilos before I woke up in intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was
by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that
condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing
so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid bitch... why else would I buy dog food??

---

Absolute classic , laughed that much i pissed my pants