Little Johnny was only six years old when he tried to feel his sister's friend's pussy. She slapped him and said not to because it has teeth and will bite. As the years passed, and little Johnny one day grew to become a man, he was sitting in his car with his girlfriend, rubbing her thighs and squeezing her tits, when she said, "Aren't you going to feel my pussy?" He said, "I can't, its got teeth!" "Don't be a fool," she said, "have a look if you don't believe me." So he thought about it, then took off her panties and spread her legs. He looked in and said, "I'm not surprised you haven't got any teeth with gums like that!"
There was an Aussie, a Scotsman and an Aborigine driving along, when they rolled the car and the three of them got killed. They went to Heaven and met St Peter at the Pearly Gates. They explained that they'd been killed and needed a place to stay. St Peter replied, "I'd love to help you boys but we're full up after the holiday season. I'm afraid you'll have to go into Limbo till there's a vacancy." The Aussie slipped St Pete $50 and asked if that'd make any difference. St Peter said, "For that mate, you can go back to Earth." By the time the Aussie got back, there were police everywhere and an ambulance. They all got a real shock when he sat up. "What happened? You've been dead for half and hour," asked the ambulance driver. He told them about St Peter and the $50, so the ambulance driver asked why the other two didn't come back. "Well," says the Aussie, "the Scotsman's trying to bargain him down to $20 and the Abo reckons the government should pay for it!"
A woman goes into a bar and orders a beer. She grabs the beer and tips it down the back of her skirt. The barman looks amazed as she orders another and again tips it down her skirt. Finally, the barman says: "Why are you tipping your drinks down your skirt?" "Well," the chick replies, "I've just won the lotto and this is the only arsehole I'm shouting!"
A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.
The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.
When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."
"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"
After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."
Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"
"No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."
A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy.'
Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.' 'How's that?' 'Don't you start.'
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'
'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places.' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore.'
A little boy was on the footpath, playing with ****. A postman rode up and asked him what he was doing. "I'm making a postman!" the kid declared. Then a little old lady came up and asked him what he was doing. The little boy replied, "I'm making a little old lady!" The old lady was so disgusted that she went to the local cop shop and reported the little boy. A short while later, a big policeman strolled down and approached the boy. "G'day, little fella," he said. I know what you're doing - your making a policeman." The little boy looked up at the cop and smiled. "**** off!" he said. "I ain't got enough **** for that!"
This bloke walks into a bar and orders a double scotch. After the bartender hands him the drink, he pours it down in one gulp and says, "Give me another." The bartender says, "Hey mate, what are you celebrating?" and the guy says, "My first headjob." "All right!" says the bartender. "Have this one on the house." The guy says, "Keep 'em coming, I've just got to get this taste out of my mouth!"
A prostitute had a slow night and decided to catch a cab home. When she got to the destination she told the cabbie she had no money, then she lifted her skirt and said, "Take it outta that". The cabbie turned around and said to the pro, "Haven't you got anything smaller?"
"Oh love, what did you ever do to deserve a wife like me?" she said looking lovingly into her husbands eyes. "I don't know, but I promise I'll never do it again."
On their 25th anniversary, a bloke took his wife on a second honeymoon to the same place as their first. Same motel, same room as on their wedding night. When they checked in, his wife said, "Oh honey, it'll be just like when we got married!" "Yeah," said the bloke. "Except this time, it'll be me sitting on the edge of the bed, screaming', it's too big, it's too big!'"
Two upper class Pommy brothers, one very hard of hearing, were having a quiet drink in a Chelsea pub where a drunken loud-mouthed Aussie was regaling the bar with his opinions. "What a place England is. Free and open and as friendly as buggery," said the Australian. "What did he say?" asked the hard-of-hearing brother. "He said he likes England," said the other. "And Pommy women are fantastic," said the Aussie very loudly. 'They're terrific sports, do anything in bed, ****in' great." "What was that?" asked brother number 1. "He says he likes English women." The Aussie continued, "And last night I picked up a brassy old broad who took me home and ****ed me stupid all night. Gee, she knew some tricks. The silly old bitch. What a ****!" "What did he say?" asked the deafish bastard. "He said he'd met Mother."
There were these two guys lost in the desert. Both were starving and near death when they came across a dead rabbit. One of them started to eat it and asked the other guy if he wanted some. He refused because he was sure he'd get something better, as the carcass was rotten. So, off they went in search of civilization, when a while later the bloke who ate the rabbit began to vomit, to which the other guy said, "See, I knew I'd get a hot meal sooner or later."
A man was complaining to a friend. "I had it all. Money, a beautiful house, a BIG car, the love of a beautiful woman, then, POW! it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out."
Is it proper for one man to profit from the mistakes of another?" a bloke asked his minister. "Definitely not," was the clergyman's answer. "Are you certain?" "Absolutely!" "In that case," said the guy, "would you mind returning the $50 I gave you after my wedding last year?"
An Australian man is seeking to join the Australian Federal Police.
The Sergeant conducting the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an Attitude Suitability Test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol, and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?", asked the man. "Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant.
The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said “Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?”
The doctor replied “Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?”
The patient's friend replied “She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to do with anything?”
“Well,” said the doctor, “if she's been working for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now!”
A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.
After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment. "I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."
"Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget.
The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her.
Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times. "If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"
Two old men suffering from long term memory loss were sitting on the steps of the old-age home when an ice cream van drove past. "Gee," said the first old codger. "I'd love an ice cream right now." "Would you like me to get you one?" asked the second old bloke. "Are you joking?" the first old fart snapped back. "You'd forget my order straight away." "No I wouldn't," replied the second." "All right, then," said his mate. "I want a double cone with mint ice cream and choc chips, and a cherry on top." The second old bloke repeated the order flawlessly. Five minutes later he walked back carrying two meat pies. The first old bloke looked at the pies in disgust then yelled, "I knew I should've gone myself. You forgot the bloody sauce!"
Two blokes were walking along a road in Queensland when they were struck by a police car driven by a drunken cop. One bloke was thrown through the windscreen and his mate was knocked down an embankment. The first bloke was charged with breaking and entering and the second with leaving the scene of an accident.
Lovers help each other undress before sex. However after sex, they always dress on their own. Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH #2 When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats". But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "Good job". Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated."
THE FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the a$$-hole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
AND A BONUS RULE:
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex; a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband!
The church service was underway and they passed the collection plate.
When the preacher saw a $100.00 bill in the collection plate, he stopped the service and announced, “Whoever put the $100.00 bill in the plate, please stand up.”
A gay man stood up and said, “I did.”
The preacher told him, “Since you put that money in the plate, I would like to let you pick out three hymns.”
Excitedly, the gay guy said, “Well, I'll take him and him and him!”
Lady: So one 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
A blonde keeps having the same weird dream, so she goes to her psychologist.
Psychologist: "What is your dream about?"
Blonde: "I am being chased by a vampire..."
Psychologist: "So, where are you in this dream?"
Blonde: "I am running in a hallway."
Psychologist: "Then what happens?"
Blonde: "Well, that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happens. I always come to a door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it won't budge!"
Psychologist: "Does the door have any letters on it?"
Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Stan, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00."
"Great", says Jeff, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Stan is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinkin!"
"Not a problem" says Jeff. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can handle myself pretty well .....I'll be there. Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"
"Now that's really not a problem" says Jeff, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
Tiddlywinks
> 9 months ago, 6 Aug 2008
