Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.

Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance.. He recognizes it as
the whaling ship that killed his father.

Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that
killed my father! Let's swim closer!"

When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the
ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million
pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this.

So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship and blew
enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and
crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.

The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors
were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.

The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still
alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the
sailors!"

That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh
no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen!"

For those that don't know about Australian history, here is a condensed version:

Australians originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters and gatherers. They lived on kangaroos on the plains during the summer and would then go to the coast and live on fish and mussels in the winter.

The two most important events in all Aussie history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.

These were the foundation of modern Aussie civilisation and together were the catalyst for the splitting of Australians into two distinct sub-groups:

1. Liberals, and
2. Labor.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminium can were invented so while our early Aussies were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night, while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Liberal movement

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live off the Liberals by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Labor movement.

Some of these labor men eventually evolved into women. They became known as ****tas.

Some noteworthy Labor achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that the Liberals provided. Modern

Laborites and Union leaders drink imported beer and they like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu and French food are standard Labor fare. Another interesting, evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, government workers - state and federal, personal injury lawyers, journalists (especially at The Age), ABC staff, and group therapists are Laborites.

Liberals drink domestic beer, mostly Carlton or XXXX. They eat red meat (rare), and still provide for their women. Liberals are police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots, business owners, farmers, doctors and nurses and generally anyone who works productively. Liberals who own companies, hire other Liberals who want to work for a living.

Laborites produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production, so many become lawyers. That is why most of the laborites created the business of trying to get more for nothing - and usually plead for government money to fund their unproductive, parasitical activities.

Here ends today's lesson in Australian history. It should be noted that a Laborite may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above, whereas a Liberal will simply laugh, and forward immediately to other true believers - and to more Laborites - just to piss them off.

And there you have it.

Neither a joke or a funny story.
2 out of 10, must try harder............

Did you hear about the dog that can do Metal Work ?

If you give him a kick in the balls, he'll make a bolt for the door.

Select to expand quote

Seacht said..

Did you hear about the dog that can do Metal Work ?

If you give him a kick in the balls, he'll make a bolt for the door.

... or a spring for your nuts.

Select to expand quote

Seacht said..
Neither a joke or a funny story.
2 out of 10, must try harder............

Select to expand quote

dinsdale said..
Here ends today's lesson in Australian history. It should be noted that a Laborite may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above,
...

Oh dear! Got one of these already.

Now it's funny

Select to expand quote

Seacht said..

Neither a joke or a funny story.
2 out of 10, must try harder............

You are right. It is neither. It is a sad fact of life that should be taught in our schools.

Unfortunately the Laborites have infiltrated our schools and censor out the truth.

Marriage is like a game of cards.

You start it off with two hearts and a diamond.

To end it you are looking for a club and a spade.

The AMA has weighed in on Joe Hockey's proposed changes Australia's health services:

The Allergists voted to scratch them, but the

Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the

Neurologists thought he had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt he was labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the ideas short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the

Paediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the ideas were madness, while the

Radiologists could see right through them.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of
the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn't hear of it.

The Pharmacists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the

Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter..."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the

Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the ideas were a gas, but the

Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the
arseholes in parliament!

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.
''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''
''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.
"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.
''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''
''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''
''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.
''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.
''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers.
"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...''
''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and,
searching for the right words, says . . .

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches an attractive woman sitting by herself and asks,
"May I buy you a cocktail?"

"No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."

"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

"No, they spread."

The England 2014 World Cup soccer team yesterday visited a Brazilian orphanage.
"It was so depressing seeing those sad, hopeless faces" said Jose, aged 5.

He was in blissful ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face as he enjoyed the
moment. His wife moved forwards, then backwards, forwards, then backwards
again... and again...and again, back and forth...back and forth...in and
out...in and out...in and out...........in and out, ever so slowly and
gently trying to draw in and use every inch.

Her heart was pounding....pounding that she felt it would burst from her
chest......her face was flushed............she was dripping with
perspiration, then she moaned, oh so softly at first, then she began to
groan louder and louder and louder. Till finally and totally exhausted, she
let out an almighty scream, a scream that shook him to the very core and she
shuddered to a sudden halt.

Her whole body was taut and stretched her face like crimson, finally gasping
for every breath she said ......



"OK!!, OK!! So I CAN'T parallel park the f*@kin car!!!!"

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket
and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.
He pours some onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

"Could you taste this for me, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the
liquid around and swallows it.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come
here and get my urine tested for sugar."

One for the Taswegians out there ...

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?

A. To prove to the possum that it's possible.

Confucius Say:
It's ok to let a fool kiss you,
but don't let a kiss fool you.

Confucius Say:
A kiss is just shopping upstairs
for downstairs merchandise.

Confucius Say:
It is better to lose a lover
than love a loser.

Confucius Say:
Man with a broken condom
is called a Daddy

Confucius Say:
A drunken man's words
are a sober man's thoughts.

Confucius Say:
Marriage is like a bank account.
You put it in, you take it out,
and you lose interest.

Confucius Say:
Viagra is like Disneyland ...
a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.

Confucius Say:
It is much better to want the mate you do not have
than to have the mate you do not want.

Confucius Say:
A joke is like sex.
Neither is any good if you don't get it.

Phone Call To The Vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "on heat', agreed to look after her neighbor’s male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked on me," he replied.

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week."

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm
and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says, 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said,
'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me..
How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket,
a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could
I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover it with the bucket,
put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'

I just received an audit on my tax return for 2013 back from the ATO. It puzzles me!!!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"
I replied: 2 million illegal immigrants; 1 million crack heads;
2 million unemployed people on the dole,
25,000 people in over 123 prisons, 26,000 boat people, 535 persons in the Aust Parliament and Senate."
Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO The Hell DID I MISS?

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar.

One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."

His buddy says, "Dude I'm so exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time.

I just don't know what to do... she?s killing me"


An older fellow in his 60?s, sitting a couple of stools down had also over-heard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says,

"Marry her. That'll put a stop to it!"

I have this really hot chick in the unit next door. Bloody sensational. Everybody wants her.
Last night I heard her moaning and groaning for ages, the headboard banging on the wall. God it was so hot!

I found out today it was actually her elderly mother who had a fall and was banging her stick against the wall for help.

Now I feel so bad about wanking

The Swedes wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows up to reveal her lack of underwear.
"Good God woman, why are you wearing no skivvies woman" Olgar demanded.

"Well" she replied, "you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 50 go and buy yourself some underwear"

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to reveal that she too is wearing no undies.

"Blessed virgin Mary woman" Patrick proclaims beshocked "You've no knickers. why not "

She replies "I cant afford any on the money you pay me"

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says "For the sake of decency here's a 20 go and buy yerself some underwear"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt up over her rump to reveal that she also is wearing no underwear.

"Sweet mudder of jaysus, Aggie ! Where ta bloody hell are your drawers" the Scotsman questions.

She too explains " Ya dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affard any"

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket, pulls out a comb and says "for the love o'decency, at least tidy yourself up a bit woman"

As the door of his cell slams shut behind Rolf and the lights go out, Rolf Harris puts his head in his hands. He thinks of what he has done and begins to cry.

Suddenly behind him a voice sings "Did you think I would leave you crying when there's room in my bunk for two"

Father Patrick and Father Shamus from St Ignacious went on holidays to St Tropez and they were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as they arrived they headed for a surfware shop and bought some brightly coloured shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a couple of 'drop dead gorgeous' scantily clad young stunners came walking straight towards them ...... They couldn't help but stare.



As the gorgeous young things passed them they smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning Father', nodding and addressing each of them individually, then they passed on by. Patrick and Shamus were both stunned. They couldn't understand just how in the world they knew they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the Surf shop and bought even more outrageous outfits. Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine and a few drinks. After a little while, the same gorgeous girls came walking toward them. Again they nodded at each of them and said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.
Father Patrick could stand it no longer and said, 'Could ye just be excusin me ladies?'
'Yes, Father?' one of them replied.
'We are indeed priests and proud of it, but I'll have to be knowin, how in the world did you know dat, dressed as we are'?
They pretty young things looked at each other, smiled and one replied, 'Beggorah Father Patrick ye are such a joker, we’re on holidays too, tis me, Sister Kathleen and that be Sister Magdalene we're from Saint Bernadettes, down the road from ye in Dublin. Did ya not be recognising us'?



Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and then go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in the bed and then go for the fridge.

Do you call a nun who has a sex change operation a tran-sister.

Did you hear about the nun who wiped her nose on her sleeve, and refused to bathe?
She sure did have some filthy habits.

If Nuns are married to God ... if they divorced, do they get half of the universe.

When Queen Elizabeth gave birth, a twenty-gun salute was fired.
When Sister Mary at the local convent gave birth and they fired a dirty old Canon.

'Father Reilly,' the mother superior reported, 'I think you should know that there's a case of syphilis in the convent'
'Oh, good,' the priest replied. 'I was really getting tired of the Chablis.'

Would it be fair to call a nun with a limp Hopalong chastity?

Mother Superior at the grocery, 'I would like to have 120 bananas for the convent.'
Salesman, 'If you buy such a large quantity, it is more economic to buy 144 of them.'
Mother Superior: 'Oh well, I suppose we could always EAT the other 24.

I've given you a green thumb for the first two pictures.

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.

The French policeman stopped his car and asked the gentleman if he had been drinking.
With great difficulty, the Englishman admitted that he has been drinking all day,
that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt there after.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeded to alcotest (breath test) him and asked the
Englishman if he knew under French Law why he was going to be arrested.

The Englishman answered with humour: No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions,
do you know that this is a British car, and my wife is driving... On the other bloody side???

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull.

I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him.


............ but they kind of taste like peppermint.