The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.

Little Emma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach..!!!

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:

In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 60, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry'.

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 60's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.'

Catholic boy in confession says “bless me Father for I have sinned, ‘I have pleasured myself while thinking about my sister”.

“That's a disgrace”, said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers”.

Memorable comebacks to sledges.



1. Ian Botham (England) and Rod Marsh (Australia)

Marsh: “So how’s your wife and my kids?”

Botham: “The wife is fine but the kids are retarded.”


2. Eddo Brandes (Zimbabwe) and Glenn McGrath (Australia)

McGrath: “Why are you so fat?”

Brandes: “Because every time I sleep with your wife, she gives me a biscuit.”


3. James Ormond (England) and Mark Waugh (Australia)

Waugh: “Mate, what are you doing out here? There’s no way you’re good enough to play for England.”

Ormond: “Maybe not, but at least I’m the best player in my family.”


4. Merv Hughes (Australia) and Javed Miandad (Pakistan)

Miandad: “Merv you are a big, fat bus conductor.”

Hughes (after dismissing Miandad): “Tickets please.”


5. Merv Hughes (Australia) and Viv Richards (West Indies)

Richards: “Don’t you be staring at me, man. This is my island, my culture. And in my culture we just bowl.”

Hughes: “In my culture we just say, ‘F*** off.’”


6. Steve Waugh (Australia) and Jamie Siddons (Australia)

In a Sheffield Shield match while Waugh was taking a long time to take guard

Siddons: “For f***’s sake, mate, it’s not a f***ing Test match!”

Waugh: “Of course it’s not ... You’re here.”


7. Viv Richards (West Indies) and Greg Thomas (England)

In an English county match after Richards played and missed a few times

Thomas: “It’s red, it’s round. Now f***ing hit it!”

Richards (after hitting a six): “You know what it looks like, now go and get it.”


8. Fred Trueman (England) and an unidentified young batsman

After Trueman dismissed the batsman

Batsman: “That was a very good ball, Fred.”

Trueman: “Aye, and it was wasted on you.”


9. Daryll Cullinan (South Africa) and Shane Warne (Australia)

Warne: “I’ve been waiting two years for another chance at you.”

Cullinan: “Looks like you spent it eating.”


10. Mike Atherton (England) and Ian Healy (Australia)

Healy called for Atherton to walk after catching an apparent edge

Healy: “You’re a f***ing cheat!”

Atherton: “When in Rome, dear boy.”

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1.. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2.. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3.. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4.. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss.
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5.. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother...

6.. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

7.. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8.. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9.. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell.
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes
arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”, Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm
very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.

How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the
Pope does."

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr.Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would
be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my
mouth. Can you please help me ??"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."


Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak ---I can hardly see anything!!!!
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, " Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! ; That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"*

Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.

A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo ?"

He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."


A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND."

He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.



A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart !"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband !"



A blond man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

"Just WHAT are you doing ?" he asks.

"Hanging myself," the blond replies.

"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.

"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."


An Italian tourist asks a blond man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats ?"



To which the blond man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."



A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."

The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."


Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.

One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there ?"

The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."



A woman phoned her blond neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

To which the blond man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday !

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.



They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.



The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth, while the man stared straight ahead.



The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the table.



[b]The waitress, thinking this behaviour a bit risqué , and worried that it might offend the other diners, went over to the table and tactfully began by saying to the man, "Pardon me sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."
[/b]


[b]The man calmly looked up at her and said: "No, she didn't... she just walked in."[/b]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."

The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife".
The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home".

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home "

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.


"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to kill him with the chair. "

Select to expand quote

Macroscien said..
I don’t know if you heard this already.
Story goes like that.
When I was born , my parents had a problem to find me for a long time.
I was born in very modern hospital by the times where all the babies were instantly screened for IQ, then allocated in separate rooms.

When my mother goes to pickup me she rushed to first one with label

– Geniuses – . Found empty. “Not end of the world” she thought

Next one
- Smart Kids – Quite a few but not me either. “ I can live with that” she said

And went to another:

Normal - quite a busy. Still nothing “ that is scary”

She make a cross and opened

-Dumb babies- Few jumped to greet her but all wrong.

The last room before Morgue was

-Idiots. “ I will love you anyway” she kick the door ... to find that room empty too.

She run crying to the Morgue just to see in last second one small with the label

-MACRO

I still don’t know what that's means but I believe is true.

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t*ts. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said: "That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas."



Naughty boy draws a p*nis on a black board. Lady teacher rubs it off. Next day he draws a bigger one and writes: "REMEMBER THE MORE YOU RUB THE BIGGER IT GETS!

When driving if you get lost and need to ask directions from a woman, always look for one with small breasts as they’ve usually got more brains. God seldom gives a woman both, big tits and a big brain.

I was feeling hungry tonight and really felt like a feed of rabbit, but I couldn’t figure out whether it would be cheaper to go to the butchers or the pet shop.

A grand idea on how to put used phone books to good use, use them as an address book, you just cross out all of the people you don’t know.

I saw some of those “Human Statues” down the mall the other day and my mate bet me I couldn’t make them move. It was a piece of cake really, you should have seen how quick the buggers moved when I took the cash out of his money tin.

I’m a smoker, is it considered acceptable that when a non-smoker visits my house to ask them to stand outside in the cold whilst I have a puff?

How to make the perfect soft boiled egg without using those expensive eggtimers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from home at exactly 60 kph.When you get 3 kilometers from home, ring up the wife and tell her to take your egg out of the pot.

I’m sick to death of all this debate about wind farms in this country. As if Australia doesn’t have enough wind without wasting electricity making more of it by operating these huge fans. It’s a waste of taxpayers money I reckon.

Vegetarians, please answer me a question, what is it with your “veggie sausages” and “Veggie burgers”? I mean, I’m a bloody meat eater, but I dont go around making carrots or brussel sprouts out of beef or pork.

Want to feel like God for a day, try making some little people out of play dough and then judge them harshly.

Hint to contact lens wearers. Keep your eyes snug and warm next winter by adding a few drops of Tobasco to your cleaning solution.

How to stop Bogans from walking around with pitbulls and staffie crosses, rename the breed to Ladypuff or Marmalade terriers.

Two newlyweds move into their new house.

One day the husband returns home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, the lawn is getting quite overgrown. Can you mow it?
”The husband says, “What do I look like? Jim’s Mowing?”

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the tyre is flat. I think we need a new one. Could you change it for me?
”He says: “What do I look like? Bob Jane?”

Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?”
He says, “What do I look like? Tim the Toolman?”

The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened.
“Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says.
“Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls.

Wife says: “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.”“Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?” asks the husband.
“What do I look like?” she asks, “Betty Crocker?”

Kool story ........thumbs up!

Select to expand quote

OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!

A 78-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.


<div class="text_exposed_show">The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.

'The next day the 78-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this --- first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between
her knees, but still nothing.
'The doctor was shocked!

'You asked your neighbor?'The old man replied,









'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

A distressed but attractive woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get up the nerve to jump.

A passing hobo stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman said "Get away from me you sicko!"

The bum turned to leave and muttered, "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

It was the time of the depression, and there was a swagman wandering around in outback NSW. One afternoon, he entered a small town and went to the house of the local Catholic priest. "Excuse me, Father, I’m a bit short on cash and I was wondering if I could do some work in exchange for a feed."

The priest agreed, and he gave the swagman work chopping wood, and doing other odd jobs, and then later they were both sitting at the kitchen table, the swagman eating and the priest reading. After a while, the swagman looked up from his plate and said, "Geez, Father, that must be a bloody good book you’re reading. You’re really getting into it."

"This is not just a good book, my son. This is the good book. This is the Bible."

"Yeah? I’ve heard of the Bible. What’s it about, then?"

"Well," the priest said, "it’s about lots of things. It’s about floods and pestilence. It’s about the Saviour. This story I’m reading now, for instance, is about a man called Samson. Samson of Jerusalem. The story goes that one day Samson was in the fields with his woman Delilah, grinding corn, when they were suddenly attacked by five thousand Philistines. Well, Samson picked up the jaw bone of an ass, called on almighty God, then slew three thousand of the Philistines and routed all the rest.’

The swagman was awestruck. He said, "Is that fair dinkum, Father?"

"Of course it is, my son. Everything in the Bible is true."

A few days later, the swagman was back on the track, and it was almost dark when he came across the camp of a couple of rabbit trappers. When they saw the swagman, one of them called out, "Come and sit by the fire, mate. Make yourself at home. Have some rabbit stew."

The swagman did so, and was eating a plate of stew when one of the rabbit hunters said, "So, what’s new, mate? Heard anything new lately?"

The swagman looked off into the distance. He said, "Ah, not too much has been going on. However, I did hear something the other day. About a bloke called Simpson. Simpson from Jerilderie. Seems he was out in the paddocks with his girlfriend Delicious, giving her a grind in the corn, when they got attacked by five thousand Filipino bastards. Anyway, this Simpson bloke picks up the arse bone of a cow, swears bloody Christ, kills three thousand of the Filipinos and roots all the rest. Yeah, turns out he was a bit of a p00fter."

What were Maori before Valium?

Once were worriers

Didn't like that one hey you won't like this one then

Mate lost his left arm in the war serves im right

Nup didn't think so ahh

Capital of Ireland is the fastest growing city in the world keeps dublin n dublin

****

Dear with no eyes? No idea

Deer with no eyes and legs?

Still no eye deer.

Deer (not dear you illiterate prick ) with no eyes, no legs and no dick??

Still no focking eye deer.

Irish woman with one leg?

Call her I lean.

Irish woman with no legs??

call her No lean.

Irish swimmer with no legs or arms??

Call him Bob.