I was cc'd in on this kit intervention.


Dear Paul

I am writing to ask for a favour. Our friend Kurt is in a terrible predicament with kit.

Currently he needs to buy a boom but the problem stretches beyond that. We are being bombarded with emails asking us about obscure Russian brands that are sold direct, mast factories and about whether ours 'are monocoque'...

I, for one, do not wish to talk about my coque in such circumstances...

So please, on Saturday morning put the coffee machine on and ready the sofa. Kurt will turn up at 10 am and he will give you his credit card.

Do not fear for his financial situation. Due to being somewhat funny looking, Kurt is single and lives in a one bed flat in a suburb where men dress as rainbows. He can afford it.

Most of all Paul, Kurt needs some clear thinking. His current kit strategy is, if we were to describe it in the form of television, a mix of Antiques Roadshow, Mad Max and The Price is Right. It is reflective of an eclectic, but still maturing wine cellar... We suspect it may be affecting his ability to meet that special someone - any girl glimpsing Kurt's quiver would extrapolate that he was a confused and distracted lover... Imagining him wandering off half way through the act of coitus to make herbal tea, build a model aeroplane or look at pictures of elderly nudists on the internet.

In short. Kurt's life and his kit is a mess. He needs help. He will be in the shop on Saturday morning. Be gentle with him, he is of modest intellect at this time of the week due to his drinking.

Thank you

And Paul's response


Dear x

I appreciate your letter and we both know Kurt will be in the right hands.

We deal with similar cases of confused citizens all the time.

We once managed to help a somewhat "special" individual that thought he wasn't the man his wife (to be) deserved.

He set himself 3 impossible task (for a man of his ability) to show his wife how much he loved her and to proof to himself he could keep up with other alpha males. A brave gesture as this man was somewhat mentally and physically challenged.

One of the tasks he set himself was to master the allusive forward spin normally only in the grasp of more coordinated human beings.

In the next few month he failed to establish his manly hood and only managed a few lady like attempts and quickly became the ridicule his fellow wind gilders.

He ended up in a dark downward spiral as he feared he wasn't worthy of his wife and would never be seen as a worthy member of society.

Rumors have it he resolved to cross dressing and has been seen wearing wigs, masks and other obscure clothing to mimic other more successful individuals.

When we came across his case he was only a shadow of his former self and needed urgent help.

We quickly addressed the problem as this man clearly had the wrong tools for the Job ( unfortunately we could only help him with certain tools).

We set him on the right path with some amazing pieces of human engineering, some of the lightest and strongest you can buy.

The man had now an advantage over his fellow wind riders with his superior looking and performing equipment and quickly managed to pull of some of these forward spins.

Last we heard he's now happily married and although he will never become a full member of society he is well on his way to be accepted.

Hope this will give you the confidence to trust us with Kurt's case.

Regards, Paul

Hi Paul

It is Kurt's friend again. We sailed after work today and the situation is more grave than I could ever have realised.

Kurt was having trouble sailing today and he suggested that we swap kit. I felt this to be a reasonable temporary deal. I was "taking one for the team".

It took less than fifty yards to realise the travesty that this swap represented. Imagine turning up at a wife swapping party in Hollywood with Natalie Imbruglia on your arm only to discover that everyone else had brought not their wives, but their nans. Anyway, after a metaphorical embarrassing shag with a geriatric, I sailed straight back to shore.

During my laboured return to the shore, I looked upon the 5.7m I was sailing and tried to assess the root cause of the issue. It appears to me that the mast was both too stiff and too large. Continuing with the film and TV metaphors, it reminded me of the adult film classic "Me love you long time", where lovers from two different continents are paired for dramatic effect. The sail was a pliant young Thai and the mast a rather stout masculine man from the Ivory coast. While this combination makes for great adult film, the corollary is not true for a rig. The sail felt heavy in the hands and gutless in the midsection....again somewhat like the film.

Upon sailing ashore considerably downwind, I began a walk of shame. It was made harder by the fact that I needed one hand to carry the rig, one hand to carry the board and a third hand to cover my face. Despite trying, I was unable to put my helmet on backwards. Upon returning to the launching site, Kurt had the audacity to comment that I had not returned his sail close enough to the water. My protestations that I had walked past several bins on the way up the beach, were met with sarcastic disbelief.

The problem is considerably more urgent. I would suggest that if Kurt is unable to borrow the money that you help him draw up plans to rob a bank or steal some cars...

Thank you

hmmm... so many red thumbs....so quickly too....sorry to have ruined everyone's day

Dunno why the red thumbs mate. Good work.

haha - well I thought it was pretty funny. Had to explain to my work colleagues why I was laughing.

Could be anynumber of reasons Stu.

1) They like the letter but they dont like you
2) They relate to poor kurt and also have a mixed bag of gear, so the letter make them feel inferior
3) Gay steriotype has been used for someone that lives in Prahran
4) There are sexual references in the letter that may offend people
5) People may think that you are serious and are Kurt bashing because they like him
6) Its directed to a single brand and store so it may have upset some people from the otrher brands and stores.

Anyway I thought it was funny even though it may have cost you some friends on seabreeze.

Hey Stu, we think it's extremely funny and know this is not serious but just taking the piss out of one of your mates.

However we feel it's maybe not the most appropriate place to post this conversation as there are people, other brands & shops that might see it as something else. Better left as a private facebook post I guess !

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jermaldan said...
Could be anynumber of reasons Stu.

1) They like the letter but they dont like you
2) They relate to poor kurt and also have a mixed bag of gear, so the letter make them feel inferior
3) Gay steriotype has been used for someone that lives in Prahran
4) There are sexual references in the letter that may offend people
5) People may think that you are serious and are Kurt bashing because they like him
6) Its directed to a single brand and store so it may have upset some people from the otrher brands and stores.

Anyway I thought it was funny even though it may have cost you some friends on seabreeze.

Jerzy has been more responsible than me on seabreeze. I'll get my coat

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ginger pom said...

jermaldan said...
Could be anynumber of reasons Stu.

1) They like the letter but they dont like you
2) They relate to poor kurt and also have a mixed bag of gear, so the letter make them feel inferior
3) Gay steriotype has been used for someone that lives in Prahran
4) There are sexual references in the letter that may offend people
5) People may think that you are serious and are Kurt bashing because they like him
6) Its directed to a single brand and store so it may have upset some people from the otrher brands and stores.

Anyway I thought it was funny even though it may have cost you some friends on seabreeze.

Jerzy has been more responsible than me on seabreeze. I'll get my coat

This is all going to end in a Doctor Who time paradox emergency isn't it?

Sehr gut meiner freund! I found your funny stories very amusing, yes. Ahh you Englanders!

Agree. Funniest thing I've seen in a while on seabreeze.

Laughing out loud reading this - clearly the funniest thing I have ever read on Seabreeze as well.

I too share a Kurt 'eclectica' (but try not to let it get in the way of sailing)

Dear x,

I am writing to you about our friend Ginger pom who is a very funny dude and

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Jman said...
Dear x,

I am writing to you about our friend Ginger pom who is a very funny dude and

.....is the forward loop master?

hey, ha, nice one ginger pom, very funny man, ha,,,thank you