Loreena is dead.

I just thought I would share the story of her passing. A long while back I acquired my younger brother’s Windtech race board circa 1995. This was done in the time honoured brother to brother fashion. I took it off him.

I used it a few times pre children and I was impressed with its mental handling. I had a feeling it was designed after careful consideration of Scud missiles. Those of you who remember that far back into history will recall the Scud missile was fast, deadly and had the guidance system of a Guide Dog on crack

Loreena Pre op.


That is to say, in my blousey hands, I could not do anything other than go blistering fast in a relatively straight line and then crash. I was wave sailing at the time and the thrill of this board was huge, but short lived.

Inspired by the US Navy being in town, I decided to have a crack at arrester hook landings. In a session off Blue Bay, I managed to hook up on a long cray pot rope and brought myself to a halt with retina popping speed.
It was a perfect arrester hook landing. Board stayed tangled in the rope and I stayed hooked in to the harness.

When the stars cleared from my eyes and I did the usual post landing checks: Can I feel toes, Can I move legs, Can I move arms and flex fingers, any error messages from brain? Excellent, all good. Now survey the scene around me. What are those little ice bergs floating away?
Probably just the remnant of the cray pot float after my landing. Wait. I didnt see a float. Odd. Well whatever, I had better get up an going before I become shark bait.
Priority message from visual cortex. Your board is really short now.

I am slightly disappointed to see that indeed the bits of foam floating away on the breeze are indeed the front of my board. Salvage operations commence and I make it to shore.
Damage report. Fin box looser than a union organiser with a credit card and a nose job that only Michael Jackson would have appreciated.

Fast forward 15 years or so and I stumble across the GPSTC. Well actually Decrepit had been smacking me around the head with it. I fall into the abyss of speed sailing and all of a sudden the spectre of that old Windtech board rises from the dust up on the top rack of my board shelving.

I seek the guidance of the Yoda’s of my team, Decrepit and Hardie. They pass judgement that it will continue to hurt me. It is the sort of board that should come with its own Trip Hazard signage and it will continue to try to kill you.

I have been married for some time and unfortunately have become slightly deafened to any advice that might be beneficial to my well being. Besides they said it will only ‘try’ to kill me, not ‘definitely’ kill me.

So off comes enough dust to keep a museum happy for a decade and on goes a new dance floor and bog up the nose. The end result is the whole Jackson Five wont stop till they get enough when they see the board.

I am still a bit intimidated by the rails and shape. They are so long hard and sharp they make me think that once false move and I could be emasculated in a whole new way. Hence she was christened Loreena B.(obbit).

When I took her out for the first time it was a first date full of trepidation but in the end left me feeling guilty for neglecting her for so long.
Sure she was a bit ugly, but nothing a plastic surgeon could not fix. Enter Adam Prince from Man Over Board. I had stumbled across his posts on Sea Breeze about old Windtechs and gave him a call.

I blew a month’s worth of mobile phone call time in one go. Adam is the oracle of all knowledge when it comes to Windtechs. His enthusiasm is more contagious than Ebola and the end result is Loreena B is going under the knife herself.

The following pictures were taken by Adam once he had finished shaking from laughing at dance floor I had installed. Although he will never admit it, I think he was impressed by the mirror ball mounting and I suspect he now realises the sort of skills that a lifetime of assembling Ikea Furniture can give a man.









Loreena Nose job. Reduction and a lift






Bum tuck and a bit of Lipo.

I will post some more later as Adam does his thing

So she's not dead, just reincarnated?

And hopefully her name will no longer be appropriate! I think we'll need a renaming ceremony.

yep that's why Loreena is dead. I will have to do some research on the ritual required when you renamed a vessel to ward off bad luck. I think it's something along the lines of torching a Commodore, well at least around here it is.

Loved the read! Had a really good belly laugh!

Hmmm, I have an old Extreme Slalom 270 around somewhere that was closely related you your assassin. Must have been as the description fits pretty much exactly! Starting to get ideas...

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fangman said..
yep that's why Loreena is dead. I will have to do some research on the ritual required when you renamed a vessel to ward of bad luck. I think it's something along the lines of torching a Commodore, well at least around here it is.

I'm sure a merc would work much better, but just in case I'll come down in the hyundai.

Loved the story Fangy! When i finally get round to meeting you, I'll try and remember to tell you the Lorena Bobbit gag that makes me laugh.

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paddymac said..
Loved the story Fangy! When i finally get round to meeting you, I'll try and remember to tell you the Lorena Bobbit gag that makes me laugh.

Thanks Paddymac, I am looking forward to it...(it's not one of Mineral's dodgy ones is it?)

Fangy,
Great read - by extension (or is that reduction) I hereby rename the board "John Wayne" (Bobbit)

Looking forward to reading how he bucks you off for the first time.

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sausage said..
Fangy,
Great read - by extension (or is that reduction) I hereby rename the board "John Wayne" (Bobbit)

Looking forward to reading how he bucks you off for the first time.

Good idea Snags, but I think I will go with the 'other ' John Wayne who has some great lines I can use;

"Courage is being scared to death... and saddling up anyway."

and probably more applicable to me and one of my favourites;

'Life is tough, but it's tougher if you're stupid. '


(Actually Snags, the thought of riding a board with a male name just doesnt seem to sound right....mind you it would give me a massive pile of ammo to sledge myself)

PRO
LAPSE
850

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Man0verBoard said..


PRO
LAPSE
850

Definition of Prolapse :"to fall out of place‚" from the Latin prolabi meaning "to fall out."
......,...sounds about right

Serious question: what does the 850 stand for? It used to be 940, so what dimension got smaller?

Guessing 8 foot 4 inches ??

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fangman said..
Guessing 8 foot 4 inches ??

8'5" with some tolerance for harmonic balancing. If you want it shorter aim for a mooring rope and you will find the natural frequency

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Man0verBoard said..

fangman said..
Guessing 8 foot 4 inches ??

8'5" with some tolerance for harmonic balancing. If you want it shorter aim for a mooring rope and you will find the natural frequency

I am thinking Harmonic Balancing is just the KRudd way of saying 'dancing' ... So does that mean you are putting the dance floor back on?

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fangman said..

Man0verBoard said..

fangman said..
Guessing 8 foot 4 inches ??

8'5" with some tolerance for harmonic balancing. If you want it shorter aim for a mooring rope and you will find the natural frequency

I am thinking Harmonic Balancing is just the KRudd way of saying 'dancing' ... So does that mean you are putting the dance floor back on?

Functional design is complete and I'm laminating the mods.

In the meanwhile I'm looking for inspiration for the graphics - be careful what you wish for..

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sailquik said..
Loved the read! Had a really good belly laugh!

Hmmm, I have an old Extreme Slalom 270 around somewhere that was closely related you your assassin. Must have been as the description fits pretty much exactly! Starting to get ideas...

It took me a while to read Fangmans post as I was laughing so hard

Going through my head the whole time was my time with my own version of Loreena - an Extreme 270.

I then read sailquicks post - and I've got about 5% of his talent - justifying the emasculating talents of said board.

Andrew from LE fins sailed it one day at Lano and remarked that it was "focused" .

Sadly time had put weight on me and made no effect on the her cunning whiles - and I discarded her on to the footpath - recounting the good times (many) and the crashes (many) and the ability to inspire fear whilst grinning from ear to ear. True to her ability to swing her mood in an instant, she was gone in seconds to some unsuspecting smuck - just as I clueless as I was when I stood in RPS admiring her lines some fifteen plus years earlier

Fangman I hope her rebirth doesn't dull her senses to much and thanks for a great laugh

Cheers Ben 555. Now following on, I need to give her a new name..any ideas anyone?

Joan Rivers

It's had some plastic surgury
It'll look ok from the distance but slightly freaky up close
and when she tears you a new one it'll be funny

Gold Elmo

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fangman said..
Cheers Ben 555. Now following on, I need to give her a new name..any ideas anyone?

top story fangman

How about flashback

Cheers Russ

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TASSIEROCKS said..

fangman said..
Cheers Ben 555. Now following on, I need to give her a new name..any ideas anyone?

top story fangman

How about flashback

Cheers Russ

I like it Russ. It goes with the Silverback Gorilla status my family of girls affords me....

FrankenTech

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Man0verBoard said..
FrankenTech

ooohh...Harsh! now I really am worried about the graphics!!

Just a little serious note to add to the fun of Loreena’s passing.
If this little experiment works out and the reincarnation is a winner, then I am sort of hoping it might inspire others to do the same. That is, if you have an old board that has a pedigree hidden under the layers of dust why not restore it?It is a tough gig for small business at the moment, especially manufacturing. So if you have a dollar to spend on kit maybe look at whether it could be spent in Australia and help keep these skills alive and help a fellow windsurfer whilst you are at it.
If there is enough interest maybe I will set up a post with a Gallery of Old Rogues