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Ted the Kiwi said...
I am looking forward to obct's contribution to this thread
You may well think it's reasonably simple to just jump in an elevator, cough in your rompers, savour the aroma and get on with your day, but trust a veteran of almost 40 years of high rise maintenance and management experience, there's a real science to it.
It's not just a case of getting in a crowded lift and saying to ones self, “speak to me oh chocolate lips” then letting go a sneaky one, curling up your nose and giving the dude beside you a nasty accusing look. If you don't know what you're doing, or you're getting on a bit, the results can be both catastrophic and embarrassing, even a follow through is possible.
Lets classify some of the possibilities:
1/ you're a dirty little prick who just like dropping clangers and blaming others.
Advice
Keep doing it you little turd, because eventually you'll miss and fill your daks with sh!T.
2/ You think no one else will get in the lift between level 15 and level 25 because all those floors are vacant, you're going up to the plant room on level 26, and you're eyeballs are about to pop out unless you let it rip.
Advice
Hold it back and let your eyeballs pop out because you know that the lift will stop on level 20 and a smoking hot leasing manager will get in the lift with a few potential tenants, all equally as hot, to go to level 24 to look at the view and all they will see as the door opens is your stupid looking mug, just before all their nasal hairs start to drop our due to the putrid stench emanating from inside a lift where you're the only occupant.
3/ This is the most tragic of all, it's not even your wiff but you're getting blamed for it because you got into a downward lift on L15 that someone had farted in on L17 before getting out on L16 and then another smoke'n hot babe gets in on L14, has a sniff and blames you.
Advice
Sorry, you're pretty well rooted with this one, your going to wear it unless you have the presence of mind to see what is about to unfold, keep you head down so you can't be recognised, push past the babe to get out of the lift asap, then take the stairs down the rest of the way.
4/ this is the pre lift clanger, you're in a lobby and you think you can rip one off before the lift gets there but your wrong and a lift comes and 20 people get out and walk right through the middle of your vile cloud of repugnance.
Advice
Always plan an escape route before you open the door of the anal sphincter and keep a close eye and ear out for the lift floor call gongs.
Only last week I had a variation on this and was only saved by local knowledge. You see, there's this mail room on B2 just near the goods lift, the door is always closed but there's usually about 3 to 6 people in there sorting mail and I forgot they were there, as far as I was concerned, I was all alone waiting for the lift so I let her rip.
Now this wasn't just any run o the mill explosion, this was an epic of both length and volume that had seismic proportions capable of a good showing on the Richter scale. And to make matters worse, I had my ginger only an inch to two from the door when I lit the fuse.
Realizing my mistake in an instance, and realizing that the door would open any second after they determined that it did not emanate from any bunghole in the room, my feet grew wings and I displayed a speed and agility well beyond my advanced years and bolted down the corridor, hung a hard left, zipped into the engineers room, that only I have a key to, and hid there until the coast was clear.
5/ I've saved the worse till last, this is a truly dreadful experience, picture this, you've been hanging out to get to the dunny and pinch one off for a while but you just could not get away from the job. Finally you make a break for it and the only bog you can use is about 5 floors down, you known that the stairs are dud option because as you walk down you'll have a problem clenching your arse cheeks, so the lift is the only way down.
Now we all know that if you stop the turtles head from coming out of the shell, it's going to get very cross with you and start to send out a few warning shots and these are the worse kind possible because any one of them could be loaded with a full cartridge.
You guess it, the lift stops at every floor on the way down and as the various tribes of everything from CEOs to bible study groups get in and out of the lift, all they can see is your sweating and gyrating figure in the corner of the lift clenching the railings, standing on tippee toes, grabbing at your arse and crutch while a succession of rumbling and the odors of long forgotten cabbage and onion rolls fills the void of the lift car.
Advice
Either don't wait so long to go or try to convince everyone that you're doing the Funky Chicken and ask if they want to join in.
chrispychru
> 9 months ago, 25 Jun 2012
, pity there are no elevators around here does clearing a packed room qualify ?
