There I was 3am one morning.Contemplating the voids of the universal significance of karmic ideological realities and what to do with the bushpig sleeping beside me.I found it hard to think with the grunting sounds echoing throughout the Kombi.Anyway I couldn't have known she'd turn out to be 15 stone with a passion for leotards.It was only after she had brought my tenth straight double jack daniels,that she began to look like Jen Hawkins doing ballet lessons.O my god,She was beginning to roll over.My life flash before my eyes in a continuous video entitled "SEX,SURF and more SURF."I had to think fast,before being suffocated in a mountain of jelly blubber and buried alive.I found her name tattooed under her left tit,so decided to write her a letter then grab my board and go for a surf,as the first rays sunshine began to reflect off the hairs in her nose,I started scribbling on her size 38dd bra.
Dearest Agnes
My love for you,is stronger than a good glass job.My passion for you,runs as deep as a fin chop.Yet our love can never be ,for you deserve far ,far,far better than me.So go my dearest Anges for i cannot bare to say goodbye.Yet as long as the waves keep pumping and the shipments of Buddha keep coming,you will live in my short term memory.
Farewell Agnes
signed john smith
p.s. don't for get to lock the van

I grabbed my board and began the lonely,desolate walk towards the beachIf only i could remember what must have been the sorid scene that keep flickering in my brain like some three dimensonal horror movie.I could've rested easy knowing i hadn't violated that young girls obesity.WTF,.the surf was a clean 4ft, offshore winds and i had my trusty old board on which to rip,tear and slash the eyeballs out of the geriatric ski riders.The point was perfect!It reminded me of that sewage pipe perfection because it was totally hollow,but spewing out the **** of illunminous grommets and smart arsed windwankers.So me and my board and hangover began the paddle out.It wasn't till i got cleaned up and run over by a mal rider,three fat bellied ski riders,a clubbies rubber duckie,a nubile on a esky lid,two sup riders and dragged out to sea in a violent rip that i remembered my legrope.Well i remembered the forgetfulness of having not strapped it on.It was no use kicking myself now ,as i was a mile out to sea with my two solitary feet dangling above the fathomless,eternal vaccum of the deep blue chasm better known as ****ING NOAH TERRITORY!.Suddenly the sky clouded over with a dull greyness,as the wind droppedto an uneasy calm.Itried to yell to the rusted taiwanese frieghter,in the hope they'd hear my distressed plea for help and at least throw me a ping pong ball.My thoughts of rescue plummeted as i heard them bellow in that alien dialect."CUSTOMSY!CUSTOMSY!QUICKWY HIDEY HASH!FULL STEAMY A HEAD.When 300 metres away,i saw something that made me wish i was back with fat Agnes.

A 25 foot blackened torpedo shaped object,similar to a charcoaled banga left 3 hours in a microwave and with the speed of a garden snail on heat ,began slicing the water towards me.Two words started revolving around in my brain, don't panic,don't panic, ddon't panicc...Don't Panic!The hell i won't ****ing SHARK!!SHARK!!.i had visions of being washed up on the beach,with my skid marked wetsuit the only means of identification.I began the violent,thrashing splashing that was so typical of the recorded shark atttacks that i've watched a thousand times on TV from the comfort of a lounge,beer in hand and bong at the ready(where's ben Cropp when ya need him).
By this time i could see all 365 1/2 teeth,where the bloody thing needed fillings,braces and the occasional gold cap.It was 20 yards away,when it gave out a roaring hidous moan that errupted from it's bowels,like the morning after efffects of a beer and pizza.I turned around to try and catch sight of the Taiwanese freighter but it was probaly already in Sydney harbour,exchanging cash with the nsw cops.Looking back again in a submissive,surrendering gaze of hopelessness,the grotesque noah opened his wide gapping jaws to reveal that tasteful drip of saliva runnnig down from his teeth.When just as i thought that the roulette wheel of life,in a flurry of head spins had come up with my number,those iron jaws of death suddenly stopped an inch from my sweating face.He was so close that his volitile breath became so powerful that after a few quick snorts,I was over come by a sudden stae of euphoria.

I came down just in time to hear a gurgling,gut wrenching,dry retching sound rise up from his throbbing tonsils as he uttered in a heavy foreign English dialect.
"By jolly jove chap,it looks like i've got you in a spot of bother here".My eyeballs jumped out of their sockets and started floating away,leaving me in a blind stupor as i pondered my reply to this academically interlectual noah.Summoning all my inner courage in this life and death situation,I spoke in a threatening Clint Eastwood tone of voice."Bull****! I was just about to slit ya open with my fingernails...Punk".A slow,evil smile widened on the face of the noah as he let out a wicked scream of laughter."Haahaaahaaha you surfers are all t5he same.You talk of conquering the ocean,of being at one with mother nature,of being the dominant species upon the sea.Yet when we sharks get you in our domain,you **** yourselves so badly that you become instantly anorexic!".What could i say?He was right,but i had to ask one question."Why don't you attack clubbies,windwankers,body boarders and middle aged sup riders and leave us surfers alone?".He lifted his head in a gesture of deep thought and in what seemed an eternity of time,gave his reply."you see my dear chap,the combination of fibreglass,rubber wetsuit and raw flesh gives an exquisite taste,equal to that of a crunchy,deep fried nutri grain.Us old sharks regard you surfers as iron man food."Suddenly i began to wonder if i was going to feel the fate of a deep fried bit of nitri grain.My quetion was quickly answered,as the noah plunged forward and brought down his head in one hideous low act.I was struggling and vomiting blood as the chain saw action of 365 1/2 teeth began piercing my flesh and eating away my bone,I let out a terrified scream that would shatter the windows in a jumbo jet above Sydney,,AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Then I heard the sweet sound of a grunting fat Agnes and I swear I'll never touch Bourbon again.

Yeah Bravo , I'll pay that mate

Select to expand quote

BulldogPup said...

Yeah Bravo , I'll pay that mate

Can you read it to me pup I've no time atm,looks like a classic Dude.

Select to expand quote

62mac said...

BulldogPup said...

Yeah Bravo , I'll pay that mate

Can you read it to me pup I've no time atm,looks like a classic Dude.

Clearing stock for the "The MacBoardroom Surf Co." to commence trading mate I'll take a custom McT as commish for coming up with ya new shop's name

Select to expand quote

BulldogPup said...

Yeah Bravo , I'll pay that mate

yep + 1

Even though I could see where it was going I had to keep reading! Nice find Dude.

Reminds me of the three rules I was taught when I was a young fella at work by a wiser and elder lady at the time.

1. go ugly early - avoid the rush later
2. if the standards low, lower your standard
3. all girls look attractive with your **** in their mouth

Select to expand quote

Ted the Kiwi said...

BulldogPup said...

Yeah Bravo , I'll pay that mate

yep + 1

Even though I could see where it was going I had to keep reading! Nice find Dude.

Reminds me of the three rules I was taught when I was a young fella at work by a wiser and elder lady at the time.

1. go ugly early - avoid the rush later
2. if the standards low, lower your standard
3. all girls look attractive with your **** in their mouth

4. Never knock anything back.

Select to expand quote

Ted the Kiwi said...

BulldogPup said...

Yeah Bravo , I'll pay that mate

yep + 1

Even though I could see where it was going I had to keep reading! Nice find Dude.

Reminds me of the three rules I was taught when I was a young fella at work by a wiser and elder lady at the time.

1. go ugly early - avoid the rush later
2. if the standards low, lower your standard
3. all girls look attractive with your **** in their mouth

oh how true rule 3 is Ted...
My older and some may say wiser cousin only told me one thing.
"the one you never had is the one you'll never get"
He proved his theory on the night

one of mates who was pretty handy with the ladies, had a different rule, his was..
if youre thin your in..
wasnt a hard and fast rule but a few times he did bring girls over and poll the group for if he should tag her... oh to be young again..

wish i had time to read it Dude.. sounds like a cracker..

I never was fussy, If my court'n past was revealed in all it's gory glory, it would be like opening a pandoras box of horors.

I once turned up at Parra union club with a lady that had such a rough head, over twenty years later I bumped an old mate down at Milton who simply asked me "why" ?

The answer was as simple then as it is now, in nine months of going out with her, she bluntly refused to allow it to go in downstairs, unless upstairs had given it a good seeing to.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I was actually getting sick of BJs, oh if only I knew the 40 year drought that was about to follow, I would never have complained.

can i get it on audio book

Sounds like a "Lash Clone" adventure

Select to expand quote

e0422713 said...

can i get it on audio book

No,however I am in the process of getting the movie done...........

Just trying to find a suitable person/actor to play my part............

Any suggestions

picture of girls tits or it didn't happen

Very very funny Dude . Would have preferred a happy ending though .
An actor to play your part how about Brad Pitt would be like recreating his role in Thelma and Louise . Bit of a pretty boy though .If you are going for An Aussie Actor doesn't Stropp live up your way . He should still scrub up with a bit of make up . Could even get Delven Delaney to guest star as the topless chick watching from the beach . Good drawer card .

That fatgirl in the story Reminds me of the song there ain't no ugly people after 2 a.m. I think we have all been down that road , but I ain't admitting to anything .

Have to add sh.t it is hard to concentrate on the story with that / those avatars looking out at me . Not that I am complaining .

Select to expand quote

Bender said...

Sounds like a "Lash Clone" adventure

What did ever happen to Lash? We recently got the answer on Capt Goodvibes..

I remember writing my one & only letter to Tracks as a 12yr old asking that exact same thing. Possibly worthy of its own thread.

Select to expand quote

Dazzler75 said...

Bender said...

Sounds like a "Lash Clone" adventure

What did ever happen to Lash? We recently got the answer on Capt Goodvibes..

I remember writing my one & only letter to Tracks as a 12yr old asking that exact same thing. Possibly worthy of its own thread.

Two words - Political Correctness!

What happened to "Lash Clone"..........

Nothing really he may make a come back......

D.C the author also did a more recent series in Tracks mag cicra 2009/10 and which still appears on the web site......

"Cosmic Surf Wars"

D.C's more recent work is aim at a much younger crowd,school kids.
He also does tours of school and readings.The bloody kids love his work.

barrelbooks.com/

D.C..............

DC Green has had five children's books published, including the Erasmus James series: a frightfully funny fantasy trilogy for 7-107 year olds (and brilliant chimpanzees). The Erasmus books star a cunning boy genius named Erasmus (surprise, surprise), a talking horse with a flatulence problem, bus-sized mutant chooks and the threat of intergalactic war. DC Green has also written a gross horror-superhero-comedy, Stinky Squad, and a funny picture book, Three Little Surfer Pigs. And there are always more books coming soon!! DC is also an award-winning fiction and non-fiction writer who has written over 2,000 articles for 50 plus magazines and newspapers around the world, an adult graphic novel (Lash Clone Returns to Vortex) and contributed to a dozen anthologies. He lives on the NSW South Coast with one slightly crazy daughter and three very crazy cats. He continues to surf with high zeal and low skill. DC's books can be bought at the best Australian book-stores and at www.barrelbooks.com

Love that description of his surfing ability pup . Next time the kids say Dad you suck I can come back with that one . I surf with high zeal but low skill .

Cosmic Surf Wars......

Select to expand quote

DUDE said...

It's mal-odourously magnificent in it's maelstrom of festering brilliance DorkDog ... a hero of equal dimensions to the Swiney Pig of Goodvibe