----- The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven. The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat. "Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.
"No problem" replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"
Tiger: "Why is that?
"Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"
Tiger: "You're a day late."

Steven Wright Quotes

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He
caught every other fish.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an
idiot.
I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...
"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me
and keeps typing.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on
them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some
people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O.
I don't trust anybody!

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...[picks up his glass
of water from the stool]...I like to live on the edge...
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just that when
I leave a house, I go out through the window.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five
minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You
couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go
by.

A man went to the dentist. After the examination, the dentist said to the man that he needed quite a bit of work done on a tooth and it should be done today if possible. The man said ok.
The dentist went away and brought back the anaesthetic needle. The man looked horrified and said he had a needle phobia and would have anything except the needle. The dentist went away and brought back the gas bottle and gas mask. The man informed the dentist he is claustophobic and cant have anything over his face and wont be able to have the gas mask. The dentist sighed and walked away and came back with two tablets. The man asked what sort of tablets they were. The dentist said - viagra, you will need to hold on to something for the pain.......

A little boy goes to his
dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let
me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the
family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the
administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.


We are here to take care
of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will
consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother,
we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and
see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes
off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night,! he
hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.


He finds that the baby
has severely soiled his nappy..

So the little boy goes
to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep..


Not wanting to wake her,
he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks
in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the
little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the
concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good,
son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all
about.'

The little boy replies,
'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the
Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep
****.'

Subject The outhouse












Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."


Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."


So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"


"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"


Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!


"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."


So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"


Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"


Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"


To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"

















--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a picture in half and mails it.

The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother. It says:

"Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle... it makes your nose look too short."

I went to the doctors the other day.

He said to me '"You have to stop masturbating."

I said, "Why, Doc?"

He said "Cos I'm trying to give you a check up!"

I would not have stopped you dave...
...though i might've joined in

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School ..
Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and
Savior?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber
Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

It's Hell to be Old

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his

physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said,

'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man

reappeared at the doctor's office and gave

him the jar, which was as clean and empty

as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the

man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this --

first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still

nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried

with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.


She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could

get the jar open!

A couple were going out for the evening. They’d gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc.
The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house.
They don’t want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:
"He’s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not **** in the vegetable garden again either!".




A farmer took pity on a young passerby and agreed to hire him for a day.
His first assignment was to paint the barn, which he did - including the tail of the donkey that poked through a knothole in the barn.
The farmer was furious, but promised to give the boy another chance.
This time he told him to string barbed wire around the farmland, which he did, but when the rooster wouldn’t stay out of the way, he accidentally nailed him to the fencepost
The farmer this time was more furious than the last time, but again promised to give the boy one last chance. This time he told him to mow the yard, which he did, but the grass was so very high he didn’t see the cat hiding in the grass, and he ran the poor kitty over, hurting him badly.
The farmer got so furious that he called the sheriff.
When the sheriff arrived, he asked the farmer why he wanted the boy arrested.
"Well Officer," the farmer replied, "First he painted my ass red, then he nailed my cock to the fence and, finally, he ran over my wife’s pussy with a lawn mower.

A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state. The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.
The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.' We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.
He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, Good-for-nothing, left wing labour dickhead who knows bugger all about running the country.'
'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!'
He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard! '
'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a bloody truck hit us.'

Italian secret to a long marriage

At St. Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husbands' marriage seminar.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I've tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"

The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"

Giuseppe proudly replied, "I'm agonna go back and get her."

why did the woman cross the road...?

who cares, the real question is, what is she doin' out of the kitchen and where the hell did she get those shoes...

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a King Brown with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good barra bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. I grabbed my bottle of Bundaberg rum and poured a little rum in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

Why I prefer the company of dogs to women:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

A man saw a sign in a clothing store which said "We sell everything!" The guy walked up to the clerk and asked her for some glass pants.

The woman replied, "Sorry sir we don't sell those."

The man argued that the sign stated that the store sold everything.

The woman remarked that glass pants did not even exist.

The man went to his home, and came back to the store wearing a pair of glass pants. The man said triumphantly, "See, I told you that they existed!"

The woman said, "At first I thought you were crazy... but now I see you're nuts!"

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment all of his own. He went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?'' Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist.. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered ....

'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.......that was me........'

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she
asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she
had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
"I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"
God replied: "I didn't f*kn' recognize you. !!"

50,000 Kiwis meet in Eden Park for a "Kiwis Are Not Stupid" Convention.
Helen Clark says, "We are all here today to prove to the world thet Kiwis are not stupid. Ken I hev a volunteer."
Carlos Spencer gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
Helen asks him, "What uz fufteen plus fufteen?"
After fufteen or 20 seconds Carlos says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then all 50,000 Kiwis start chanting,
"GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Helen says, "Well sunce we've gone to the trouble of gitting 50,000 of you un one place end we have the world wide priss end global broadcast media here, I thunk we ken guv hum another chance."

So she asks, "What uz sivven plus sivven?"
After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety!"
Helen is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh - everyone is disheartened.
Carlos starts crying and the 50,000 Kiwis begin to yell and wave their hands shouting,
"GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Helen, unsure whether or not she is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance...What uz two plus two?"
Carlos closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four!"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 Kiwis jump to their feet, wave their arms, stamp their feet and scream...
"GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

A Irish man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth???"

The Human Body!


It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's private area is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's...

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

Three thumbs? or two thumbs.

Please say it's two thumbs.

I have really long thumbs!

Select to expand quote

tightlines said...



Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

I'm still trying to get my thumb to stretch

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,

'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

'Fuuuuuuck, dude... How much water did you drink!?

I've just come out of the chip shop with a meat and potatoe pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your ****ing will power'

A woman buys a wall mirror from B & Q, manager says 'would you like a screw for that mirror' No she said 'but I'd suck your cock for a lawn mower'.

Top tip; if your camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex............Wish me luck I appear in court next Monday.

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' What I thought it did '

A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry about the wait ' I said ' don't worry you fat ****, you'll lose it eventually '

Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets & says ' if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one? Paddy said ' if you can guess how many are in there you can have both of them '................Murphy says 'Four!'

Recession beater -
Wife says to husband ' if you cycle to work we could get rid of the second car' Husband replies ' if you'd take it up the arse & let me cum on your face we could get rid of the nanny!'

One of life's great mysteries -
Why is it a woman can fit a seven inch vibrator into her half inch fanny, IN THE DARK............ but she's unable to fit an eight foot car into a fifteen foot parking space IN BROAD ****ING DAYLIGHT

Marriage counsellor to couple. ' Tell me something both of you have in common ' Husband after a long awkward silence ' Well neither of us sucks cock '

Snow eh! The weather girl just said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself ' she'll be ****ing lucky with a face like that!'

I have a new chat up line that works every time. it doesn't matter how gorgeous and out of my league they are, it's a winner & I always end up in bed with them............... ' Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away ' But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that bacon works a ****ing treat!

The local mosque are having a fire tonight but keep it a surprise.........they don't know about it yet!

In an interview Micheal Jackson repeatedly expressed his love for 28yr olds, when asked about his obsession and what he loved the most he replied "there's twenty of them"

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems..
One day Bill didn't show up.
Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park,
Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day,
Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'
Bill replied, 'I've been in jail.'
'Jail?' cried Sam. ' What in the world for?'
'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me.
At 87 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'
.....'The damned judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her a bit of crap, be ready to receive a ton of ****."

I really was pissed off when I lost out on winning the pub quiz by one point.
The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"
Apparently it's Africa .

Kevin Rudd was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Kevin, the saviour of 'working families', if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So Kevin (the saviour of 'working families' ) asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, That would be a 'tragedy.'

No, said Kevin - that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'

I'm afraid not, explained Kevin - that's what we would call great loss'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Kevin searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand.

In a quiet voice he said: 'If A plane carrying you and Julia Gillard was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Kevin. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a bloody accident either!'