Maybe if you told it to your African, Japanese or Chinese "friends" it might get a different response?


I can laugh at myself plenty well, and I can self reflect on my childhood in country WA enough to know that those types of jokes don't fly anymore, if they once did
anyhow, back to the point of the thread...


I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m . The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" " I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly. It was two first names ... Peter, Peter something or other..."

An elderly man, looking about 100 years old, and on a Moped, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'
The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars'


'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?
'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'
'No problem,' replies the doctor.


So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting
back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right.. But I'll stick with my Moped!'


Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just
what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer
reads 160 kph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems
to be getting closer.He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly
WHOOOOSSSHHH Something whips by him going much faster!


'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?' the doctor asks himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 kph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed
that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the
Moped at 275 kph. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and
sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old
guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320
kph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The
Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!


Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear
end. The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there
anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers, 'Unhook my f*!king braces from your side mirror'

Select to expand quote

mazdon said..
Maybe if you told it to your African, Japanese or Chinese "friends" it might get a different response?


I can laugh at myself plenty well, and I can self reflect on my childhood in country WA enough to know that those types of jokes don't fly anymore, if they once did
anyhow, back to the point of the thread...


I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

Crikey.
It is a joke that is a play on words and sounds and does not denigrate anybody and above all it is just a JOKE.

joke, noun. Thing said or done to excite laughter; witticism, jest, ridiculous circumstance (like having to explain this in the Top Joke thread of Seabreeze.)

So I was having a beer with a mate at the pub and I told him a couple of hilarious Irish jokes when the bloke behind me taps me on the shoulder and says "You are telling those jokes and I am Irish!"

I said "That's OK mate. I don't mind running through them a couple of times more if you didn't get them first time around."

Did you hear about the thief who stole a large quantity of Viagra , police say they are looking for a hardened criminal.

NASA launched a new space station that was crewed exclusively by women, they are now rethinking their decision following an incident on board.
Space Station: "Houston, we have a problem!"
Houston; "What is the problem?"
Space Station; "Yeah, on'ya, great, pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about!"


My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone, he even smeared his faeces on the wall.
I don't think we will ever play Monopoly with him again.



I stopped off at the bottle shop Tuesday afternoon on my bike, bought a bottle of Bundy OP and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Rum before I cycled home.
It turned out to be a very good decision; I fell off seven times on the way home.



Bruce and Sheila are sitting at the table, having dinner when Sheila spills a big blob of tomato sauce on her white top. She looks down at the stain and says "Oh, I look like such a pig!" Bruce looks up between mouthfuls and says "Yep, you sure do and you've dropped tomato sauce on your top!"



I've decided to run a marathon for charity. I didn't want to do it at first, but apparently it's for blind and disabled kids so I think I've got a good chance of winning.



My wife reckons I'm constantly picking on one of the kids, but to be honest I really don't know which kid I'm supposedly being unfair to, Thomas, Anton, or the fat, ugly, dumb one with the pimply face?"


Two cannibals were tucking in to meal when one asked the other, "are we eating a divorced woman?"
"I'm not sure" said the other, "why do you ask?"
"Because she tastes really bitter."


"Daddy, daddy what's a transvestite?"
"Ask Mommy, he knows."


Last night I dreamt I took beautiful walk on a sandy beach.
That at least that explains the footprints I found in the cats litter tray this morning.



I asked the checkout girl for a date.
She said "They're in the fruit aisle next to the bananas."

After the twin tower collapse a guy is phoned to say they may of found his missing partner,
as they pulled the sheets back he instantly said thats her, asked how he knew it was her so quickly amongst the many hundreds, he replied, she always wore heaps of; foundation;

Gynecologist's Assistant......

A man went to Macquarie Street in Sydney having seen an ad for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Naturally interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read;

"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. "

"You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down andcarefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination."

"The annual salary is $65,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Newcastle "

" My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man.

She answered:

"No, that's where the end of the queue

Ever wondered why the KIWIS hav'nt reached the moon yet ..?
Not enough scaffolding Bro.....

My friend Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died. Tom wanted two things: To learn how to invest his inheritance. To find a wife to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.


I might look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card. Two weeks later,she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men......

A squad of recently graduated Royal Marines had been sent to Malaya for a 'Jungle survival training course', what they could eat, what could poison, what to use in making a shelter also what dangerous animals they could meet. In particular a particularly dangerous snake common in the area, the snake was generally orange in colour with brown stripes. This snake was particularly aggressive and would sometimes strike without warning, if (when confronted) the recommended method of dispatching it was to grab it by its tail, slide your other hand up to its neck and break its back.

During the final few days of their training they were taken out to the jungle to try out their knowledge, at a clearing the Sergeant in charge split them into pairs and told them to take a different path for each pair and to put into practice what they had learned.

Off they went along different tracks, until only one soldier was left, "alright Jones, you're with me." Said the Sarge. When they reached a fork in the track the Sergeant figured he would send Jones to go one way for half an hour, studying what he'd learned, then report back on what he could locate in terms of survival. When he was out of sight, the Sergeant sat and had a nap.

Waking up with a start, he realised Jones hadn't yet returned and over an hour had passed. He was just about to go looking for him when he heard crashing through the jungle and Jones staggered out with his uniform in tatters, covered in scratches and generally a bloody mess.

"What the hell happened to you, Jones?" asked the Sarge.

"Well Sarge I came across one of those brown and orange bloody snakes you warned us about, and I remembered you told us that the safe way to dispatch it was to grab it by its tail run my other hand up its body and break its neck?"

"Correct Jones, that is the approved method" replied the Sergeant "So what in hell happened to you?"

"Well I tried to do what you taught us Sarge, I grabbed the bastard, in my left hand, slid my right hand up its body....and...and.....and.....Sarge, have you ever stuck your thumb up a tigers arse?"

Select to expand quote

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor.

Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Bruce. 'Bruce, Bruce' she yelled..

Bruce came running in.

'Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor' she said.

'Strewth' Bruce said and tried to pull her up. 'You're stuck fast girl.
I'll go across the road and get Frank'.


They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

'No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B.' Frank said.

'Plan B?' exclaimed Bruce. 'What's that'?

'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum.' replied Frank.

'Spot on' Bruce said. 'While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits.'

'Play with her tits'? Frank said, 'Not exactly a good time for that mate?'

'No' Bruce replied, 'But I reckon if I can get her wet enough,
we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive'

The Pope was having a shower. Although he was very strict about the Celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this was one of these occasions. Just as he reached the Papal Climax, he saw a paparazzi photographer capturing the moment of the holy seed flying through the air. "Hold on a minute" said the Pope. "You can't publish that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church."
"This picture is my lottery win" said the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life." So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million dollars.
The Pope then dried himself off and headed off with his new camera.
He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera. "That looks like a really good camera" she said. "How much did it cost?"
"Two million dollars" replied the Pope.
"Two million dollars! TWO MILLION DOLLARS!" said the housekeeper. "They must have seen you coming!"

Took a flight recently.
long long haul.
Business /pleasure.
So I decided I'd try business class just to see what it's all about.
Of course was a baby right in front of me Screaming it's pie hole out.
I leaned right in close to the mother and yelled WHAT FUQING BUSINESS DOES A BABY HAVE.

Some truth in this ...

An Israeli doctor says "In Israel, our medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, sew them onto another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work".

The German doctor says "That's nothing! In Germany, we take part of a man's brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks, he is looking for work".

The Russian doctor says "Gentleman, in Russia, we take half the heart of a man, put it into another man's chest, and in 2 weeks, he is looking for work".

The Australian doctor laughs: "You lot are so far behind Australia. A while back, we took a guy with no brain, no heart and no balls and made him Prime Minister.

Then a year later, the whole country was looking for work!"

Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

My wife accused me of being a transvestite.


So I packed her things and left.



A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."


The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."

Mummy , mummy , i dont want to go to Tasmania.
Shut up an keep swimming.

An inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world,
your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."



Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run
without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of the woman?"

God said, "Yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention too:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft, and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to His Celestial supercomputer, typed in some key words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

SENSITIVE AUSSIE MEN Three Aussie guys were working on a high?rise building project Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Bill says, "Okay, I'm pretty good at that sensitive ****, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a Slab of Beer. Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?" "Steve's wife gave it to me." "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you his beer?"

Bill says, "Well not exactly, when she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Steve's widow". She said, "No, I'm not a widow."And I said....., "Wanna bet me a slab?"

A fellow touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The fellow, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the fellow returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and after inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said..."These are delicious, but they're much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"The waiter shrugged his shoulders, and replied, "Si, senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

STOP PRESS---


Queensland Police report finding a man's body in the Brisbane River at New Farm following his apparent attendance at an after-party for the recent same sex marriage plebiscite.


The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive marijuana consumption.

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a "Turnbull for PM" T-shirt.

He also had a cucumber in his rectum.

The police removed the "turnbull for PM" T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

In spite of what we sometimes think, the Police do care.

Select to expand quote

bazz61 said..
STOP PRESS---


Queensland Police report finding a man's body in the Brisbane River at New Farm following his apparent attendance at an after-party for the recent same sex marriage plebiscite.


The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive marijuana consumption.

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a "Turnbull for PM" T-shirt.

He also had a cucumber in his rectum.

The police removed the "turnbull for PM" T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

In spite of what we sometimes think, the Police do care.

What a silly homophobic "joke"

You should be ashamed about posting that here.

Select to expand quote

Pugwash said..

bazz61 said..
STOP PRESS---


Queensland Police report finding a man's body in the Brisbane River at New Farm following his apparent attendance at an after-party for the recent same sex marriage plebiscite.


The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive marijuana consumption.

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a "Turnbull for PM" T-shirt.

He also had a cucumber in his rectum.

The police removed the "turnbull for PM" T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

In spite of what we sometimes think, the Police do care.

What a silly homophobic "joke"

You should be ashamed about posting that here.

I'd be more ashamed of being a lNP supporter than posting the above joke ...if it was that bad the moderators would remove it ...you need to lighten up ...

Nothing in that joke about anyone being gay, just a bloke having a good time,
not homophobic at all.

What are you talking about sgo?

Voting Liberal is fairly ghey.

Select to expand quote

sgo said..
Nothing in that joke about anyone being gay, just a bloke having a good time,
not homophobic at all.

Ok... sure... it was merely a tale of what Bazza and sgo got up to last Saturday night... celebrating the SSM win... as the "story" opens...

My opinion is "jokes" like this had their time in the 80s... when it was "funny" to call a bloke girly and insulting to call a bloke gay...

Times have changed...

There's no ice in Gero.







Plenty of meth though.

Select to expand quote

bazz61 said..

Pugwash said..

bazz61 said..
STOP PRESS---


Queensland Police report finding a man's body in the Brisbane River at New Farm following his apparent attendance at an after-party for the recent same sex marriage plebiscite.


The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive marijuana consumption.

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a "Turnbull for PM" T-shirt.

He also had a cucumber in his rectum.

The police removed the "turnbull for PM" T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

In spite of what we sometimes think, the Police do care.

What a silly homophobic "joke"

You should be ashamed about posting that here.

...you need to lighten up ...

Perhaps... I'll think about that... thanks for the heads up...

I'll invite you to think about who you are at the same time... Someone who spreads "humorous" hate? Someone who uses slurs against people who are homosexual? I dunno... that's for you to think about.