Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They managed to bag six of the beasts, all with massive antlers.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane
could take only four moose.

The two lads objected strongly, 'Last year we shot six. The pilot let
us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.'.
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load
and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, 'Any idea where we are?'
Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year'

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!' Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?' She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

Two brothers, aged 8 and 10, were always playing pranks and getting into mischief. When things went wrong in town, at school, at fairs, and at church, they were inevitably behind it.

Their parents were beside themselves with anxiety. What if their children should "step over the line" and get in trouble with the Law? They decided to send the boys to talk with the pastor of the church, a Bible-thumping, God-fearing, pulpit-pounding Rock of Ethics and Values.



The 8-year-old had the first appointment, walking the four blocks from home to the church. When he stood across from the pastor's desk, the pastor regarded him with a deep scowl, and after a minute said, "Young man, Where is God?" The boy remained silent. The pastor raised his voice. "Young man, I said, where is God?"

Still the boy remained quiet, but his eyes widened, and he swallowed nervously. The pastor leaned over his desk and yelled, "Young man, I asked you a question!" "Now where is God?"



In terror the boy leaped from the room, ran home, vaulted up the stairs to his bedroom, and hid behind his bed . The 10-year-old, hearing the noise, ran into his younger brother's bedroom and found him shivering . "What happened?" he said, starting to get scared himself.

"Oh, man, we're in deep trouble," said the 8-year-old. "God's missing, and everyone thinks we did it."

Lipstick in School (priceless)

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips on the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers. . . and then there are educators.

OK here's another one from America, don't know how true it is though.

American political spin !!


This is how you get round a bad rumour !!


Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: 'Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. He was caught by Pinkerton detectives, tried, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for information about her great-great uncle.

Hillary's staff sent back the following biographical sketch: "Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

NOW THAT is how it's done folks!

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

(for you golfers; apologies if you've heard it before)

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee, while another foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tees. The ladies are taking their time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet.

She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then, she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, 'I guess all those f---ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help.

One of the men immediately responds, 'Well, there you have it... you should have taken golf lessons instead!'

He never even had a chance to duck.

johhny was playing golf on a beutiful mid saturday morning, as he was taking his shot on the 1st hole, a loud voice came over the loudspeaker ''WOULD THE MAN ON THE LADIES TEE PLEASE MOVE BACK TO THE MENS TEE'' a little disgruntled by the loud voice he continued his pre shot routine. again just before his swing the loud interupption came over the speaker again ''WOULD THEN MAN ON THE LADIES TEE PLEASE MOVE BACK TO THE MENS TEE THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING'' very disrupted at this johhny yelled back at the man in the clubhouse ''WOULD THE LOUDMOUTH PR1CK ON THE MICROPHONE F9CK OFF ITS MY 2ND SHOT''

A classroom full of kids and the teacher asks can anyone tell me a story with a

moral behind it ? No hands went up except for little Jonny up the back.

The teacher did'nt want Jonny to tell a story because he was renouned for saying

naughty things, so she ignored him and asked the class again , still no one, only

Jonny thrusting his arm in the air.

Finally the teacher relented and said ok Jonny tell the class your story

Jonny says;

In the Pacific on an Island During the Second World War my Uncle Harry was stuck

fighting two hundred Japanese by himself! All his mates had been killed and he

had no amunition! All he had was two bottles of scotch!!

By the time help arrived they found Uncle Harry alive and all the Japanese were

dead!!

Well done Jonny! What a fantastic story said the teacher some what relieved.

Now can you tell the class the moral behind your story?

Yeah! 'Dont F#@K with Uncle Harry when he's on the P!ss'

A Kitesurfer...

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together."

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition and every week the man came in and ordered three beers.

Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine ...I just quit drinking."

Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.

Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.

The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'. Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thingamabob.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.

The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising' and sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is.

The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'

'No', says the nurse, 'Some dopey idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated'.

A Vietnamese doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says 'That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

The Australian doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Queensland, put him in to Canberra for four years, and now half the country is looking for work.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop wanking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dil*o flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.

My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.
I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a w**k ."

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student
named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said,
"Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me
Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his
hand up:
'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good!'

Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People,
shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'
said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its
history than you do.

' She heard a loud whisper: 'F**k the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime
Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little ****. If you
say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael
Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him - 2004.'
The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone
said, 'Oh ****, we're screwed!'
And Chandrasekhar said
quietly, 'I think it was the American people, November 4th, 2008".

A guy was driving around country side when he saw a sign in front of a house, ‘Talking Dog for Sale.'

He rang the bell and the owner told him the dog was in the backyard. The guy went into the backyard and saw a Labrador sitting there.

'You talk?' he asked.

'Yes,' the Lab replied.

'So, what's the story?'

The Lab looked up and said, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the FBI about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

'But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a bunch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy was amazed. He goes back in and asked the owner what he wanted for the dog.

'Ten dollars.' the man said.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'


'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh1t.'

(imagine a bar room)

He: "I notice your glass is empty. Can I get you another one?"

She: "Why do you think I would want two empty glasses?"

As part of his yearly physical exam, the doctor requested a sperm count
from his 85-year-old male patient.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened. The man explained: 'Well, doc, it's
like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with
her left, but still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the
teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too.
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied, 'Yep. None of us could get the jar open'.

POSSIBLY THE BEST BLONDE JOKE EVER

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any.'

'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde .
'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.
'Yes,' said the blonde , 'I'll go home and get it.'

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,

'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.'

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container
back and reads out loud from the container ...








'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.

This just arrived in my inbox.

The Vanilla pudding Robbery

This is just too funny not to share.. Excerpted from an article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least we'll have a bit to eat.'

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:


'IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING'....

A crusty old bikie named Tim, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a pub and

sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:


CHEESEBURGER $2.50
HAMBURGER $2.25
CHICKEN SANDWICH $3. 50
HAND JOB $5.00


Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and
beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a
meagre looking group of farmers.


"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"


"I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand jobs?"



"Yes," she smiles and purrs, "I sure am."


The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands real good cause I want a cheeseburger".
__________________

An Irish Ghost Story

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true!!!!!

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by.
The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.

The car started moving slowly.

John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching.
Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of no where through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night.

They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.... ……….
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
- 'Look Paddy.....there's that f*cking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!

blonde was on vacation and driving through Darwin .
She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant
to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle on prices' attitude of one of the shopkeepers,
the blonde shouted 'Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free'

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, 'Little lady, just go and give it a try'!
The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile! Later in the day, as the shopkeeper
is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep
in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim,
kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures,
lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled
and flipped the Croc onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration,
she shouts out........ SH!T, SH!T, SH!T, THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO'!

Global financial crisis:


The global financial crisis has hit New Zealand really hard. Today I found out that lamb had gone up to the ridiculous price of $100 per hour



Internet:


Last night I was online and met a 14 year old girl. We chatted a while and she was smart, sexy, funny and just great. She sent me a pic and she was hot, so I suggested we meet up .
Then I found out she was an undercover Detective.

How cool is that at her age!!!????????

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when
He notices a
Sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives
On without
Second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real
And drives
Past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the
Drive. On the far
Side of the parking lot is a stone building with a
Small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is
Answered by a nun in
A long black habit who asks, "What may we do for
You my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and
Was interested in possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led
Through many winding
Passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a
Closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this
Door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin
Cup answers the
Door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the
Cup then go through
The large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and
Slips through the
Door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking
Lot facing
Another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

What is the cure for swine flu





Oinkment

A Blacktown girl goes to Centrelink to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the assessor.
"Ten," replies the Blacktown girl..
"Ten?" says the Centrelink worker. "What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Blacktown girl, "It’s great because if they are out playing in the street I just have shout 'NATHAN, YER DINNER'S READY!' or 'NATHAN GO TO BED NOW!' and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed Centrelink worker.
"That's easy," says the Blacktown girl... "I just use their surnames."


A Fairfield girl enters an adult shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."


Q. Two Redfern girls jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society.


Q. What do you call a 30 year old Mt Druitt girl?
A. Granny.


Q. Why did the Campbelltown girl cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.


Q. What do you call a Bankstown girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.


Q. What's the first question during a Wentworthville quiz night?
A. What you looking at?


Q. What does a Penrith girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.


Q. Two Cabramatta kids in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman.


Q. What's the difference between a boy and a Mt Druitt girl?
A. A Mt Druitt girl has a higher sperm count.


Q. What's the most confusing day in Macquarie Fields?
A. Fathers day

An elderly man, after months of feeling unwell decides to visit his doctor. His devoted wife takes him to see his GP and after a quick examination the doctor says: “I’ll need a stool sample, a urine sample and a sperm sample”. The old codger, not quite hearing the doctor, pipes up: “What did he say?”

His wife replies: “He needs your underpants dear”.

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mum had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

__________________________________________________ ________

Dear Mum,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian
__________________________________________________ ________

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
__________________________________________________ __

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mum

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free..

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'