Yesterday I had to wake up at the crack of dawn middle of the farking night to get a 6:00 clock flight... I got to my meeting some 2 hrs early, which got cancelled... the office had me on a flexi flight so I returned to the airport at 11:30... but the ****ing ***** at virgin didn't have any space until 16:30.

I got on the plane... and HOLY sh!t there was this HUGE fat bastard taking up 1.5 seats. Now I'm not a small guy, so I sit on the isle seat and another big guy says "you're in my seat", I said "he's half in mine"... he stays there standing for a while, then I get a stewardess's attention... I ask her if there are any free seats, bcos we're clearly the 3 largest farkers on the plain. She says sorry were totally full. The flight gets delayed (15mins) bcos they had some problem with too many people.

So I'm stuck next to the this fat bastard... actually turned out to be a nice guy, who had already lost 70 f'ing kg after a gastric band. So he weighed 210kg, and a grumpy big fella who kept his legs in the isle.

The fat guy was taking up maybe 15% of my seat, bcos his fat was over the armrest, so I was resting on his fat which was hot, so we ended up sweating on each other, and his thigh was bulging under the armrest.

Not really the worse flight... but people have nightmares about being on a flight stuck between fat people.

Describe your flightmare...

This youtube link is only audio, but I think you should listen to it FlySurfer.


Feel the burn

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Chris_M said..
This youtube link is only audio, but I think you should listen to it FlySurfer.


Feel the burn

?rel=0

But he was HUGE!!! And there was no inflight entertainment bcos I hadn't downloaded the Virgin app .

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FlySurfer said..
Yesterday I had to wake up at the crack of dawn middle of the farking night to get a 6:00 clock flight... work fell thru .......... got stewardess's attention... ...................too many people.
stuck between fat people.
Describe your flightmare...

So you went to work and got paid to:

fly somewhere
do nothing
hang around a bit and fly back
look at hosties


Swap ya jobs....?

Hung over like a dog from brisbane to singapore next to the same bloke u were next to - but before his weight loss


Hair of the dog the whole trip and few hours in singaporski before connect to Heathrow. Spent more money on grog then the return ticket

On a flight from Buenos Aires to Sydney I was sitting in an emergency exit seat by the galley, just as they were bringing out the drinks ~30 mins in to the flight, they split the whole damn trolley on me. We're talking coke, juice, wine... and they didn't even pat me down!
Just gave me a vanity pack and said "don't worry the cabin's so dry you'll dry off in no time", I didn't, I was damp for the entire 14hrs. and the mix didn't smell great.

That flight was 6hrs delayed so I was not happy.

Of course they couldn't just move some people around, put a skinny broad next to the fat bastard, that would require too much common sense.
You didn't say, did he smell also?
For me flying is absolute torture, I'm 200 cm tall, my knees are always jammed right against the seat back. And being forced to watch cartoons for 5 hours?

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FlySurfer said..
On a flight from Buenos Aires to Sydney I was sitting in an emergency exit seat by the galley, just as they were bringing out the drinks ~30 mins in to the flight, they split the whole damn trolley on me. We're talking coke, juice, wine... and they didn't even pat me down!
Just gave me a vanity pack and said "don't worry the cabin's so dry you'll dry off in no time", I didn't, I was damp for the entire 14hrs. and the mix didn't smell great.

That flight was 6hrs delayed so I was not happy.

Hey, it could have been worse. You could have been sandwiched between two fat guys and had the drinks trolley poured over you.

For what its worth, plane seats are not comfortable for most people. While I don't have a beer gut that hangs over the side, I feel like I am hanging over the side with my shoulders. I prefer the window seat as that way you can sort of turn sideways to get more space. If I get stuck in an aisle seat, I often get hit with people walking past, and the drinks trolley. Not a great way to try and sleep.

My worst trip was changing planes at Singapore and getting stuck between two skinny but solid Irish guys. The three of us were sitting there arms straight ahead, shoulder to shoulder for the whole trip.

On the positive side, I caught a flight from Cairo to Sharm El Sheik on Egypt Air. I had a business class ticket, so I was up the front by myself while the other dozen people were all at the back of the plane. Luxury, and I got real cutlery with my meal. Pure luxury!

Funniest trip for me was when a mate caught the same plane to Perth and was stuck next to some really big girl. It wasn't the size of the girl that bothered him, it was that she ate the whole way and kept him awake.

I had a stewardess wake me up at 2am to give me a snack......I am asleep you stupid woman....i dont wake up at home and get out of bed to eat a rock hard cake

Anyway being I dont often let a cake go to waste I ate it

Well I must have been so dry inside that the cake ( large mouthful ) got stuck half way down.

I choked and coughed and spluttered for a good 5mins then got told by the same stupid stewardess to be quiet as I was waking people up..

I politely told her to get faqued

I got no service for the rest of the flight....

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Beaglebuddy said..
You didn't say, did he smell also?

A little damp/musty smell. He was OK to talk to... I started it off by saying "So how did you get so big?"

Well I was 12 Years old '
On my way back to Australia from visiting the family in England, we are on a 747 at 36,000 ft moving at 600 miles.
I had boxes of plastic models given to me as gifts 'one was the space shuttle' and planes etc.
well you can't use glue on a plane with closed air con.!
They tried to tell me why but that did't help the 24 years it took to get home, well it felt that long as a 12 year old boy.
never got over it and still refuse to fly until they change the rules.

My first solo flight OS, 15 yrs old, seated right down the back in 747. Everyone stood down the back to smoke.
/hmm just realised I took up smoking shortly after....

These days, well valium or temazepam does wonders for flying

Last trip back to NZ from Singapore... In two rows of seats - 18 seats - they put 16 adults, 2 school kids and 4 babies!

The "baby" next to us was so big he wouldn't fit in the cot without rolling up into a fetal position, so the mother took him out all the time and proceeded to hold him sideways so he could kick me and she could poke me with an elbow... then had the nerve to get all huffy when I started muttering.

Still not as bad as the psycho Indian...

I ****ing hate flying.

We got told by the hostie on a Jetstar late afternoon flight to Honolulu that you dont get a meal unless you have pre-ordered it online!

Me and the wife now get a comfort seat between us now when we go on holidays as most planes have rows of 3 seats. Stuff the money as it make the trip cheaper than flying up the front of the bus and we can stretch out and enjoy the space. More luggage weight as well.

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Hardcarve1 said..
Me and the wife now get a comfort seat between us now when we go on holidays as most planes have rows of 3 seats. Stuff the money as it make the trip cheaper than flying up the front of the bus and we can stretch out and enjoy the space. More luggage weight as well.

Do they actually let you do that now? I thought they would treat the 'missing passenger' as a no show at check in and the seat would be up for grabs.

Oh yea....the cook and I went to the whitsundays years ago
Anyway we got a direct flight from Syd to Hamilton Island
The plane was full of mentally disabled people ( must have been a charity holiday or something )
The in flight movie was Richard Dreyfuss Krippendorf's Tribe ( what a crap movie )
Trying to rest all I could hear was the retarded people making their retarded noises ( argggg )
So we got to the Islands and we started to circle and circle and circle.......for about 45mins
Pilot says we cant land have to fly to Brisbane for landing gear repairs.....( noooooo )
Same movie ..... same retards....same migrane
Landed at Brisbane stayed in airport for 2hrs before we got loaded back on
Flying back to Hamilton.......same movie....same retards making silly retarded noises
Finally landed...had a great time for 5 days then boarded for flight back to Sydney
Same movie.....same retards.....OMG

I have nothing against mentally handicapped people ,would have been just as annoying if it was babies or people from WA....

anytime being on a plane is a flightmare for me since I am $hit scared of flying.
but some good things happened to me back in the days like flying with JAL from Tokyo to Sydney I was sent to the buisness because economy cabin was full.
or flying with Emirates from Dubay to Melbourne on half empty plane I could use the middle row as a comfy bed.
I wonder if these things happen these days

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Dezman said..
Well I was 12 Years old '
On my way back to Australia from visiting the family in England, we are on a 747 at 36,000 ft moving at 600 miles.
I had boxes of plastic models given to me as gifts 'one was the space shuttle' and planes etc.
well you can't use glue on a plane with closed air con.!
They tried to tell me why but that did't help the 24 years it took to get home, well it felt that long as a 12 year old boy.
never got over it and still refuse to fly until they change the rules.

Mate you got to quit sniffing that glue... it can cause hypoxia.

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Hardcarve1 said..
Me and the wife now get a comfort seat between us now when we go on holidays as most planes have rows of 3 seats. Stuff the money as it make the trip cheaper than flying up the front of the bus and we can stretch out and enjoy the space. More luggage weight as well.

We do the same... then when they've cleared the meals... she goes to the floor and I have 3 seats

I'm flying Malaysian in business class return to the UK next April......Im going to watch every episode of "two and a half men" for the entire flight only pausing for landings , take offs and toilet breaks.

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FormulaNova said..

Hardcarve1 said..
Me and the wife now get a comfort seat between us now when we go on holidays as most planes have rows of 3 seats. Stuff the money as it make the trip cheaper than flying up the front of the bus and we can stretch out and enjoy the space. More luggage weight as well.

Do they actually let you do that now? I thought they would treat the 'missing passenger' as a no show at check in and the seat would be up for grabs.

Virgin and I think Qantas do it as well. Funny how when we do the check in the staff all have different ways to allocate the seat. Some give us a ticket with just our surname while others have the seat marked as unavailable and somehow notify the boarding gate.

Dunno if this counts...

When the big earthquake in 2011 rocked Christchurch, the wife went home to see her parents. I decided I didn't want to go through all the hassle of flying for just a week, so I stayed here.

Naturally, AirNZ upgraded all the kiwis going to Chch to business class. Just typical of my luck...

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Beaglebuddy said...
For me flying is absolute torture, I'm 200 cm tall, my knees are always jammed right against the seat back. And being forced to watch cartoons for 5 hours?

I'm also around the 200cm mark and the only* way to fly is to get exit aisle seats. Its not even expensive. $175 extra on a qantas flight from Syd to LAX.

Ipads and tablets are sensational. Flights go so quickly.

*if your poor and cant afford business or 1st class

First flight on a big airyplane for me was Perth to Gero,
Me Dad and 3 rifles, on our way to Northampton Police Station to license the rifles.


Dad asked the hostie with the short skirt where to stow the rifles, she said to bung them up front with the driver.

So I went up front and asked the blokes if I could borrow some space for our stuff - bloke on the left said to bung them behind his seat.

Not long after wheels-up, hostie in the short skirt asked if I wanted to have a look in the pointy end, and while the bloke in the r/h seat got out to chat with the hostie I took his spot and got to drive for a while - and the bloke in the left hand seat asked everyone to do up their belts as they were expecting turbulence [me wobbling the wings a bit]

Awesome first flight god bless Mickey Mouse Airlines!

Next big flight was from Perth to Sydney, then to FIJI [2 x chartered jumbo's full of scouts] this flight was best described as more like cattle class

stephen

Midnight flight from Bangkok to Melbourne after two weeks working in a thai warehouse.

I'm seated on the aisle next to an elderly Indian couple. Seemed nice enough except old mate decided he liked the free whiskey. Kept calling the waitress (that's how he used the stewardess) over for more.

I put the noise cancellers on and proceeded to try and sleep. Get woken up every ten minutes by him trying to nudge my arm off the armrest.

Eventually gave up and opened my eyes to see her feet sitting in front of my face. She had lifted them up across his legs and into my space.

Well that was enough. I turned to them and said if they weren't moved straight away I would break them. Never seen a geriatric move so fast.


Disclaimer... geriatrics in this case were about 60 so not that old. Title given because they're older than me.

2010 flight back to syd from Hawaii
Dude sitting next to me spent one month in the islands smoking rocks. Tells me he had just smoked the last of his stash before getting on the plane. .
Dude talked a million miles an hour at maximum volume and tic'd all over the place for the whole 10hr ride home.
I asked him for some peace and quiet and he freaked out thinking I was gonna nark on him when we landed.
Kept muttering threats and elbowing me of the arm rest

Flew Aero-Zambia in 1998 and coming into Lusaka it was VERY bumpy, pretty much every single passenger has gripping the armrests and praying (some very loudly) to their various gods.

When the plane touches down the pilot slams on the brakes so violently that some people get nosebleeds and other even get blood-shot eyes.

Plane eventually comes to a standstill and the passengers start cheering. I can’t believe they’re cheering; anyway, I’m grateful to be on the ground safely.

Captain comes on – “Eh, thank you. Sorry for the heavy braking, this runway is too short, eish… but it is sooo wide.”

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southace said..
I'm flying Malaysian in business class return to the UK next April......Im going to watch every episode of "two and a half men" for the entire flight only pausing for landings , take offs and toilet breaks.

You'll be in one of the 5% of seats where the OFES doesn't work. So sorry.

We had the same thing as LostDog coming into Rome a few years ago. I was genuinely scared, people crying and praying etc. Plane landed and as soon as we came to a stop everyone stood up and started cheering and clapping

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MDSXR6T said..
I was genuinely scared, people crying and praying etc. Plane landed and as soon as we came to a stop everyone stood up and started cheering and clapping

Sounds like a lot of landings I have been in at Sinclair, Leonora, Sunrise Dam...........and Perth


stephen